Nurturing Babies & Big Kids, Too

“With neuroscience, we can confirm what our ancestors took for granted---that letting babies get distressed is a practice that can damage children and their relational capacities in many ways for the long term. We know now that leaving babies to cry is a good way to make a less intelligent, less healthy but more anxious, uncooperative and alienated person who can pass the same or worse traits on to the next generation.”
                                 Psychology Today, “Letting Baby ‘Cry it Out’”

When a friend recently shared a link to this article about the negative, long-term impact of not answering a baby’s cries, several people commented.  One mom wrote a heart-breaking comment, “Wish I had read this 12 years ago. My first-born was a crier and the pediatrician even told me to let her cry it out. Now at 13 we are dealing with what is above normal distrust and inability to relate to others and a whole realm of emotional issues.”  The article, and the comments, got me thinking about answering our children’s cries, and providing them with nurturing, loving attention…at all ages.

Giving some love to baby number one.

When I had my first-born eighteen years ago, there was a well-known baby nurse who catered to new parents.  She would come live with the family for two weeks, as soon as they got home from the hospital, and “get the baby on a schedule” immediately.  She was booked well in advance, and new moms swore by her method of letting their newborn baby cry between the exactly-every-four-hour feedings.   Her baby protégés got on schedule quickly.


At the time, I was horrified at the thought of (1) Having someone else take care of my baby and (2) Letting my baby cry when she was hungry or needed comfort.   So, I did what most new moms do and muddled tiredly through the early weeks, getting to know my baby and what she needed and taking turns with her dad holding, rocking, and feeding.  Since she was born four weeks early and was only five pounds at birth, we were told to feed her frequently.   We even had to WAKE HER UP to feed her if she didn’t wake up on her own.  Thankfully, our other children were full-term, and we could follow our “never wake a sleeping baby” rule.  But I digress.  It felt right to me to respond when she cried, and after a few months, without even realizing how it happened, we were on a fairly predictable feeding schedule, and she was sleeping decently well.  Did she cry?  Yes.  There were a few times when she was about three months old (I think) when she cried A LOT.   We tried to comfort her but weren’t very successful.  We always blamed it on teething or colic, but it was probably our own ineptitude.  At least we held her, fed her, and tried to soothe her when she was crying.  We definitely answered our baby’s cries as best we could.

When I was a new mom, my mother shared with me that my grandmother (her mom), who was not a touchy, feely person, criticized my mom for giving us too many kisses and hugs when we were little.  She thought we’d turn out badly from all that love and attention.  Having been born in the early 1900s, I’m sure my grandmother had believed when mothers were told to “not let babies inconvenience them” and to instead let them cry.     

My mom, who taught me how to give lots of kisses and hugs.

I firmly believe that a baby’s cries need to be answered, and that those early months are a vital time for babies to form secure attachment to their parents.   

A friend, commenting on the article about not answering a baby’s cries, said, “This has been taken to extreme in Europe and other countries. They have subscribed to not allowing their children to cry at all, which teaches them that crying will always get them what they want. I speak from experience after going on a cruise ship with distant family... the mom is a psychology major. Their toddler & baby were unmanageable terrors (Trust me, I don't usually speak that way about children).”  

I need to clarify that I am talking about answering babies’ cries.  I am not talking about answering the fake, demanding, irritating crying of a toddler or young child who is not hurt.  Once a child can communicate with words, I believe in giving kids attention for positive behaviors and not perpetuating negative behaviors like tantrums or fake crying.  

I believe in a lot of love, affection, and attention, but the practice of co-sleeping was not a good fit for us, so although I like the name “Attachment Parenting,” and I feel very attached to my children, I didn’t follow those practices.   I did breastfeed and answer my young babies’ cries.  When our daughter was still waking up during the night at one year old, we briefly used the “Ferber Method” and, instead of picking her up out of her crib when she cried, we rubbed her back, reassured her, and came back at designated intervals until she fell back asleep.   So, we let her cry.  We called it “Ferberizing,” and it was hard.  

As we had more children, we perfected our own method of putting babies to sleep without tears, which included a predictable routine – bath, reading, saying “good night” to everything in the house as we walked to their room, prayers, and lots of kisses.  Most importantly, we learned to put our kids in their crib when they were sleepy, but still awake, so that they learned to fall asleep on their own and thus learned good sleep habits that didn’t depend on us helping them fall asleep.  That was a lot more peaceful than Ferber’s method.  And we didn’t have to drive them around in the car for their naps, like some of our friends did.

In an article by Melanie Beingesser called “Making an Impact on Baby’s Intelligence,” which also makes the case against letting babies cry it out, she says, “In the western world, we have been led to believe that babies will manipulate their parents for attention and that letting children cry themselves to sleep builds good character. However studies have shown that babies who are attended to when they cry will cry fewer hours per day than babies who are left to cry themselves to sleep. Crying is a baby’s way to communicate a need, whether it is for safety, food or comfort. Through a parent’s actions, babies learn to trust the parent’s authority. When parents respond to their babies’ cries, babies are reassured that their parents can be depended upon. Babies learn that their needs are valid and they begin to develop a positive image of themselves.”

The research is strongly in favor of answering babies’ cries.  In the extreme circumstances at Romanian orphanages in the 1980s, where babies were fed but rarely given any nurturing or touch, “the children were in the third to tenth percentile for physical growth, and grossly delayed in motor and mental development.”  The children’s development was severely damaged in these tragic circumstances, and people now understand that nurturing is as vital to a baby’s survival as nutrition.  Those were extreme circumstances, but it makes sense that a baby whose cries are not answered consistently will have a changed stress response (as per the article) and long term relational damage.

Big Kids Need Love, Too                      

“The most important assignment a mom has is to nurture her children.”
                                                                              Tim Sanford, M.A. (Losing Control & Liking It)

I contend that nurturing and attending to their emotional needs is just as vital for older kids as it is for babies.  My kids are no longer infants, but I still maintain daily, nurturing touch.   My children rarely cry these days, but I can tell when they are sad or upset about something.  They’re quiet.  They spend a lot of time alone in their room.  They don’t smile or talk as much.   Big kids aren’t as loud and demanding as babies, so they aren’t as obvious in their need.  Just like depressed adults, sad kids withdraw from other people.  But they need attention and nurturing, even if they act like they don’t. 

I remember my eleven-year-old daughter coming home from a sleep-over and saying that her friend told her, “My mom doesn’t tuck me in anymore.”   My daughter felt sad for her friend, who still would have liked to be tucked in, but didn’t expect it anymore.   No matter how old my children are, they still get a hug goodnight (if they’re staying up later than I am) or a proper tuck-in.  In the case of the younger two (ages 8 & 10), a nightly story, back rub, and kisses are also part of the package.  We also snuggle up next to each other on the couch while watching T.V. or reading.  If I’m sitting in my morning coffee chair, my kids come over for a morning sit-down hug and snuggle.

My kids know that a morning hug from mom is just part of their day, and they can’t get past me without it.   I will keep up this routine even when my boys are surly, smelly teenagers.  Even when they act like they don’t like it.  Because, I know, deep down, they need it.   In my un-researched, unproven hypothesis, teenagers who get plenty of loving touch at home are less likely to seek out fulfillment of this basic need elsewhere.  I’ve just always thought that.

Ideas for Catching up on Nurture

Is it possible to “catch up” on nurture if your child didn’t get it as an infant because you let them “cry it out”?  I’m banking on the hope that you can catch up, because my ten-year-old son (adopted last year) did not benefit from the same nurturing and attachment that my other children received.  I’ve been working hard to “catch up” with extra nurturing now.   I hope it’s enough to help him gain relational skills he may be lacking due to his early deprivation.

If you’re out of the habit of connecting via nurturing touch, your kids may balk at having to start hugging or kissing you and think it’s “babyish.”  So, I suggest you start with a back rub – everyone loves those!   Even if you don’t call it “tucking in,” stop by for a nighttime chat and offer to give a backrub to your teenager.  I’m betting they’ll like it and start asking for more!  

And, I really think hugs are important.   A lot of research has been done about how hugs have a positive impact on people of all ages:  “Hugs have also been shown to improve overall mood, increase nerve activity, and a host of other beneficial effects. Positive physical touch has an immediate anti-stress effect, slowing breathing and heart rate.” (from Hugs & Heart Health)

So, a side benefit of hugging your kids more will be that it makes you happier, too!




These are some of the resources I used writing this article. Please let me know if you read about this topic in other places -- I'd love more info!:

Psychology Today, Dangers of “Crying it Out”

Losing Control & Liking It:  How to set your teen (and yourself) free, Tim Sanford, M.A.

The Connected Child, Karyn B. Purvis, Ph.D. (Note:  Although this book is geared towards adoptive parents, I found many applications to all kids.)

Hugs & Cuddles Have Long-Term Effects

Hugs & Heart Health

Making an Impact on Baby's Intelligence

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Teenage Daughters

When my third daughter was born thirteen years ago, the warnings started coming in.  "Girls are easier than boys when they're little, but just WAIT until they're teenagers!  They're SO hard."

Then, 2000

I heard horror stories about yelling, irrational behavior, eating disorders, anxiety, depression, and many other issues some parents faced with their teenage daughters.   In preparation for the years to come (and to help our camp parents who already had teenage daughters), I attended talks on the topic and read many books about adolescence, including:
 

Queen Bees & Wannabes (Rosalind Wiseman),  Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls (Mary Pipher, Ph.D.),
Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls (Rachel Simmons),   
The Romance of Risk: Why Teenagers do the Things They do (Lynn Ponton, M.D.), and
The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids (Madeline Levine, Ph.D.).

Just reading the titles of these books is enough to send shivers of fear up the spine of any parent of a soon-to-be teenager.  But knowledge is power, and I wanted to learn different opinions and ideas on the topic of adolescence.

Now, 2011

In the end, I didn't get through every page of those books, but I learned some useful tidbits of information.   I ended up parenting my girls the way that felt right to me, which was building a close, nurturing relationship.  I was fortunate to have a great role model in my own mother, who nurtured me through childhood while keeping life fun, so it came naturally to me to smother my girls with affection and spend a lot of time talking with them.   They get hugs every day and are tucked in every night (sometimes they have to tuck me in now, but it still counts!). 

As of last week, I am now the mother of three teenage daughters (ages 13, 16, & 17).   I LOVE HAVING TEENAGE DAUGHTERS.   And I hope you understand that those capital letters mean I really, really love this time with them.    I think other moms of teenage daughters must love it, too.  I just haven't read about much of the good stuff, so I thought I would share with you what I love about having teenage daughters.  And hopefully those of you with younger daughters will be inspired to look forward to, and not fear, the teen years.

I like the way our relationship has evolved over the years.   When they were younger,  I was in charge, providing the structure to their days and rules to follow.   It was a lot of work.   Now, we're in more of a democratic state, where they understand that we need their help to keep our home functioning.   There's not a strict bedtime, but each of them knows how important it is to get a good night's sleep (I've drilled the brain research into them!).  So, they get themselves to bed at a decent hour.  They get themselves up each morning, pack their own lunches, and, in the case of the two older ones, drive themselves to school. 

These days, a T.V. show or podcast that I would never have allowed them to watch or listen to a few years ago becomes an opportunity to discuss values and difficult issues.  We talk about things that we wouldn't have discussed when they were younger.  They know my opinions, but they also know that they have the freedom to form their own.  (Side note:  Things we talked about when they were very young, like how disgusting and unhealthy smoking is, really sunk in.  Apparently, kids really listen to you before they turn ten, so get a lot of good discussions in early!)

They share stories about their peers and what they are experiencing.   I don't freak out when they share a story about something disturbing that they saw or heard.  Usually, it's something similar to what I saw or heard when I was their age.   We talk about it.

My teenage daughters do not yell at me or treat me disrespectfully.  They willingly do chores and offer to give me extra help. They thank me for making dinner.  They get along well with each other and have fun together.  Yes, they get in bad moods sometimes, and so do I.  We've talked about coping strategies.  I've shared what helps me, and they've learned what works for them.  I've always told them it's normal for girls to have mood swings, so they don't feel crazy when it happens.

I wish I could tell you the reasons why my teenage daughters are the way they are.   The younger ones say they watched their older sister(s).  

Last week, I interviewed my oldest daughter, who will turn eighteen in January.    I asked her why she turned out so well and didn't fit some of the stereotypes of teenage girls.  She had these nuggets of wisdom to share:

"Kids turn out the way parents expect them to.  If you're positive about your kids and treat them with respect, they'll fulfill your expectations.  If you expect them to be rude and disrespectful, then they'll fulfill that, too."

"Movies and T.V. shows set a really bad example of how kids treat parents, so not letting us watch too much when we were little was good.   You also need to have a good example at home in your family."

"Being around nice teenagers at camp, who were good role models, helped, too."

"You need to find friends who are nice to their parents."

"Teenage is an awkward phase for parents and kids.  It's better when it's a relationship based on mutual respect and more of an adult-like relationship."

So, there you go.  Words of wisdom from a teenage daughter who has been pleasant to live with throughout her teenage years and is incredibly responsible. 

My most recent teenager (the one who turned thirteen last week) had this wisdom to share when I asked her what parents of younger kids should do to make sure their girls are nice as teenagers:

My Newest Teen and Me

"Girls whose parents are nice are nice."

"You can't let the talking back slide when they're little."

"Don't give them everything they want."

"Teach them to be grateful."

If you have a teenage daughter and you're struggling in any area, I hope you'll take the time to reconnect and have fun together.  And, if you have a younger daughter, I hope you'll listen to the words of wisdom shared by my girls.   I think they know what they're talking about.  I learn from them every day and am so grateful to have three teenage daughters. 

"Life Changing" Lunches

45 hours.

That's a conservative estimate of how much time I spent making my children's lunches each school year.  I used 15 minutes a day for my estimate, because I am not at my best in the early morning.  I spent a lot of time staring at the lunch boxes, trying to remember what was still needed -- fruit group? dairy?  protein?

After seeing my friend Stacey's Facebook post last week, where she said she had "finished making lunches for the next two weeks," I read further to see that she had made and frozen sandwiches.  I remembered my mother doing the same thing when I was a kid.   Mine were turkey and cheese on wheat, and they always were thawed and tasted great at lunch.

I had an epiphany.  I'm a big proponent of teaching kids independence and responsibility, so why was I still packing my kids' lunches?  I think it was because I feared the choices a few of my kids would make if given free reign, and I wanted to make sure that they were getting the nutrients they needed to be healthy.  So, I came up with a solution:  "Sunshine's Lunch Packing Instructions," which my children could use to pack their own lunches -- the night before or even several days at a time.

The timing was perfect for my new discovery.  I was going to be out of town for -- gasp -- three school lunches!  I went over the instructions and watched -- giddily -- as my sons, ages 7 & 10, packed three lunches each.  Ta - da!  Done!

I am sharing my Instructions with the caveat that my kids often are packing all that they will eat between 7:30 am and 4:00 pm, so it is definitely lunch plus snacks before sports, etc.  You may need to edit according to your child's schedule.

I had to organize my refrigerator and pantry a bit, but it was well worth the time.  I put all of the dairy items in one area on the lowest shelf, and I made a lunch fruit and veggie drawer out of one of the produce drawers.  I put apples and other loose fruits in there, but also bagged up some baby carrots and grapes.  I also made a "chip/extra" bin in the pantry with chips, granola bars, etc. and a "treat" plastic drawer with some pre-bagged cookies, fruit roll-ups, and other sweet items.

When I shared the story of my lunch-packing epiphany with my friend Julie, she said I had "changed her life."  I like that kind of positive reinforcement, so I was encouraged to share more!  So, here, for all of your enjoyment (and hopefully use!) are Sunshine's Lunch Packing Instructions.

Let me know if you have any fun ideas of good lunch items, or any suggestions for improvement.   And, I'd love to hear what you plan to do with those extra 45 hours.

Sunshine's Lunch Packing Instructions