Sunshine Parenting

Nurturing Babies & Big Kids, Too

2012-01-18T16:51:00.000-08:00

“With neuroscience, we can confirm what our ancestors took for granted---that letting babies get distressed is a practice that can damage children and their relational capacities in many ways for the long term. We know now that leaving babies to cry is a good way to make a less intelligent, less healthy but more anxious, uncooperative and alienated person who can pass the same or worse traits on to the next generation.”
Psychology Today, “Letting Baby ‘Cry it Out’”

When a friend recently shared a link to this article about the negative, long-term impact of not answering a baby’s cries, several people commented. One mom wrote a heart-breaking comment, “Wish I had read this 12 years ago. My first-born was a crier and the pediatrician even told me to let her cry it out. Now at 13 we are dealing with what is above normal distrust and inability to relate to others and a whole realm of emotional issues.” The article, and the comments, got me thinking about answering our children’s cries, and providing them with nurturing, loving attention…at all ages.

Giving some love to baby number one.

When I had my first-born eighteen years ago, there was a well-known baby nurse who catered to new parents. She would come live with the family for two weeks, as soon as they got home from the hospital, and “get the baby on a schedule” immediately. She was booked well in advance, and new moms swore by her method of letting their newborn baby cry between the exactly-every-four-hour feedings. Her baby protégés got on schedule quickly.

At the time, I was horrified at the thought of (1) Having someone else take care of my baby and (2) Letting my baby cry when she was hungry or needed comfort. So, I did what most new moms do and muddled tiredly through the early weeks, getting to know my baby and what she needed and taking turns with her dad holding, rocking, and feeding. Since she was born four weeks early and was only five pounds at birth, we were told to feed her frequently. We even had to WAKE HER UP to feed her if she didn’t wake up on her own. Thankfully, our other children were full-term, and we could follow our “never wake a sleeping baby” rule. But I digress. It felt right to me to respond when she cried, and after a few months, without even realizing how it happened, we were on a fairly predictable feeding schedule, and she was sleeping decently well. Did she cry? Yes. There were a few times when she was about three months old (I think) when she cried A LOT. We tried to comfort her but weren’t very successful. We always blamed it on teething or colic, but it was probably our own ineptitude. At least we held her, fed her, and tried to soothe her when she was crying. We definitely answered our baby’s cries as best we could.

When I was a new mom, my mother shared with me that my grandmother (her mom), who was not a touchy, feely person, criticized my mom for giving us too many kisses and hugs when we were little. She thought we’d turn out badly from all that love and attention. Having been born in the early 1900s, I’m sure my grandmother had believed when mothers were told to “not let babies inconvenience them” and to instead let them cry.

My mom, who taught me how to give lots of kisses and hugs.

I firmly believe that a baby’s cries need to be answered, and that those early months are a vital time for babies to form secure attachment to their parents.

A friend, commenting on the article about not answering a baby’s cries, said, “This has been taken to extreme in Europe and other countries. They have subscribed to not allowing their children to cry at all, which teaches them that crying will always get them what they want. I speak from experience after going on a cruise ship with distant family... the mom is a psychology major. Their toddler & baby were unmanageable terrors (Trust me, I don't usually speak that way about children).”

I need to clarify that I am talking about answering babies’ cries. I am not talking about answering the fake, demanding, irritating crying of a toddler or young child who is not hurt. Once a child can communicate with words, I believe in giving kids attention for positive behaviors and not perpetuating negative behaviors like tantrums or fake crying.

I believe in a lot of love, affection, and attention, but the practice of co-sleeping was not a good fit for us, so although I like the name “Attachment Parenting,” and I feel very attached to my children, I didn’t follow those practices.   I did breastfeed and answer my young babies’ cries. When our daughter was still waking up during the night at one year old, we briefly used the “Ferber Method” and, instead of picking her up out of her crib when she cried, we rubbed her back, reassured her, and came back at designated intervals until she fell back asleep.   So, we let her cry. We called it “Ferberizing,” and it was hard.

As we had more children, we perfected our own method of putting babies to sleep without tears, which included a predictable routine – bath, reading, saying “good night” to everything in the house as we walked to their room, prayers, and lots of kisses. Most importantly, we learned to put our kids in their crib when they were sleepy, but still awake, so that they learned to fall asleep on their own and thus learned good sleep habits that didn’t depend on us helping them fall asleep. That was a lot more peaceful than Ferber’s method. And we didn’t have to drive them around in the car for their naps, like some of our friends did.

In an article by Melanie Beingesser called “Making an Impact on Baby’s Intelligence,” which also makes the case against letting babies cry it out, she says, “In the western world, we have been led to believe that babies will manipulate their parents for attention and that letting children cry themselves to sleep builds good character. However studies have shown that babies who are attended to when they cry will cry fewer hours per day than babies who are left to cry themselves to sleep. Crying is a baby’s way to communicate a need, whether it is for safety, food or comfort. Through a parent’s actions, babies learn to trust the parent’s authority. When parents respond to their babies’ cries, babies are reassured that their parents can be depended upon. Babies learn that their needs are valid and they begin to develop a positive image of themselves.”

The research is strongly in favor of answering babies’ cries. In the extreme circumstances at Romanian orphanages in the 1980s, where babies were fed but rarely given any nurturing or touch, “the children were in the third to tenth percentile for physical growth, and grossly delayed in motor and mental development.” The children’s development was severely damaged in these tragic circumstances, and people now understand that nurturing is as vital to a baby’s survival as nutrition. Those were extreme circumstances, but it makes sense that a baby whose cries are not answered consistently will have a changed stress response (as per the article) and long term relational damage.

Big Kids Need Love, Too

“The most important assignment a mom has is to nurture her children.”
                                                                              Tim Sanford, M.A. (Losing Control & Liking It)

I contend that nurturing and attending to their emotional needs is just as vital for older kids as it is for babies. My kids are no longer infants, but I still maintain daily, nurturing touch.   My children rarely cry these days, but I can tell when they are sad or upset about something. They’re quiet. They spend a lot of time alone in their room. They don’t smile or talk as much.   Big kids aren’t as loud and demanding as babies, so they aren’t as obvious in their need. Just like depressed adults, sad kids withdraw from other people. But they need attention and nurturing, even if they act like they don’t.

I remember my eleven-year-old daughter coming home from a sleep-over and saying that her friend told her, “My mom doesn’t tuck me in anymore.”   My daughter felt sad for her friend, who still would have liked to be tucked in, but didn’t expect it anymore.   No matter how old my children are, they still get a hug goodnight (if they’re staying up later than I am) or a proper tuck-in. In the case of the younger two (ages 8 & 10), a nightly story, back rub, and kisses are also part of the package. We also snuggle up next to each other on the couch while watching T.V. or reading. If I’m sitting in my morning coffee chair, my kids come over for a morning sit-down hug and snuggle.

My kids know that a morning hug from mom is just part of their day, and they can’t get past me without it.   I will keep up this routine even when my boys are surly, smelly teenagers. Even when they act like they don’t like it. Because, I know, deep down, they need it.   In my un-researched, unproven hypothesis, teenagers who get plenty of loving touch at home are less likely to seek out fulfillment of this basic need elsewhere. I’ve just always thought that.

Ideas for Catching up on Nurture

Is it possible to “catch up” on nurture if your child didn’t get it as an infant because you let them “cry it out”? I’m banking on the hope that you can catch up, because my ten-year-old son (adopted last year) did not benefit from the same nurturing and attachment that my other children received. I’ve been working hard to “catch up” with extra nurturing now.   I hope it’s enough to help him gain relational skills he may be lacking due to his early deprivation.

If you’re out of the habit of connecting via nurturing touch, your kids may balk at having to start hugging or kissing you and think it’s “babyish.” So, I suggest you start with a back rub – everyone loves those!   Even if you don’t call it “tucking in,” stop by for a nighttime chat and offer to give a backrub to your teenager. I’m betting they’ll like it and start asking for more!

And, I really think hugs are important.   A lot of research has been done about how hugs have a positive impact on people of all ages: “Hugs have also been shown to improve overall mood, increase nerve activity, and a host of other beneficial effects. Positive physical touch has an immediate anti-stress effect, slowing breathing and heart rate.” (from Hugs & Heart Health)

So, a side benefit of hugging your kids more will be that it makes you happier, too!

These are some of the resources I used writing this article. Please let me know if you read about this topic in other places -- I'd love more info!:

Psychology Today, Dangers of “Crying it Out”

Losing Control & Liking It: How to set your teen (and yourself) free, Tim Sanford, M.A.

The Connected Child, Karyn B. Purvis, Ph.D. (Note: Although this book is geared towards adoptive parents, I found many applications to all kids.)

Hugs & Cuddles Have Long-Term Effects

Hugs & Heart Health

Making an Impact on Baby's Intelligence

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Teenage Daughters

2011-11-15T12:20:00.001-08:00

When my third daughter was born thirteen years ago, the warnings started coming in. "Girls are easier than boys when they're little, but just WAIT until they're teenagers! They're SO hard."

Then, 2000

I heard horror stories about yelling, irrational behavior, eating disorders, anxiety, depression, and many other issues some parents faced with their teenage daughters. In preparation for the years to come (and to help our camp parents who already had teenage daughters), I attended talks on the topic and read many books about adolescence, including:

Queen Bees & Wannabes (Rosalind Wiseman), Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls (Mary Pipher, Ph.D.),
Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls (Rachel Simmons),
The Romance of Risk: Why Teenagers do the Things They do (Lynn Ponton, M.D.), and
The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids (Madeline Levine, Ph.D.).

Just reading the titles of these books is enough to send shivers of fear up the spine of any parent of a soon-to-be teenager. But knowledge is power, and I wanted to learn different opinions and ideas on the topic of adolescence.

Now, 2011

In the end, I didn't get through every page of those books, but I learned some useful tidbits of information. I ended up parenting my girls the way that felt right to me, which was building a close, nurturing relationship. I was fortunate to have a great role model in my own mother, who nurtured me through childhood while keeping life fun, so it came naturally to me to smother my girls with affection and spend a lot of time talking with them.   They get hugs every day and are tucked in every night (sometimes they have to tuck me in now, but it still counts!).

As of last week, I am now the mother of three teenage daughters (ages 13, 16, & 17).   I LOVE HAVING TEENAGE DAUGHTERS.   And I hope you understand that those capital letters mean I really, really love this time with them.    I think other moms of teenage daughters must love it, too. I just haven't read about much of the good stuff, so I thought I would share with you what I love about having teenage daughters. And hopefully those of you with younger daughters will be inspired to look forward to, and not fear, the teen years.

I like the way our relationship has evolved over the years.   When they were younger, I was in charge, providing the structure to their days and rules to follow.   It was a lot of work.   Now, we're in more of a democratic state, where they understand that we need their help to keep our home functioning.   There's not a strict bedtime, but each of them knows how important it is to get a good night's sleep (I've drilled the brain research into them!). So, they get themselves to bed at a decent hour. They get themselves up each morning, pack their own lunches, and, in the case of the two older ones, drive themselves to school.

These days, a T.V. show or podcast that I would never have allowed them to watch or listen to a few years ago becomes an opportunity to discuss values and difficult issues. We talk about things that we wouldn't have discussed when they were younger. They know my opinions, but they also know that they have the freedom to form their own. (Side note: Things we talked about when they were very young, like how disgusting and unhealthy smoking is, really sunk in. Apparently, kids really listen to you before they turn ten, so get a lot of good discussions in early!)

They share stories about their peers and what they are experiencing. I don't freak out when they share a story about something disturbing that they saw or heard. Usually, it's something similar to what I saw or heard when I was their age.   We talk about it.

My teenage daughters do not yell at me or treat me disrespectfully. They willingly do chores and offer to give me extra help. They thank me for making dinner. They get along well with each other and have fun together. Yes, they get in bad moods sometimes, and so do I. We've talked about coping strategies. I've shared what helps me, and they've learned what works for them. I've always told them it's normal for girls to have mood swings, so they don't feel crazy when it happens.

I wish I could tell you the reasons why my teenage daughters are the way they are. The younger ones say they watched their older sister(s).

Last week, I interviewed my oldest daughter, who will turn eighteen in January.    I asked her why she turned out so well and didn't fit some of the stereotypes of teenage girls. She had these nuggets of wisdom to share:

"Kids turn out the way parents expect them to. If you're positive about your kids and treat them with respect, they'll fulfill your expectations. If you expect them to be rude and disrespectful, then they'll fulfill that, too."

"Movies and T.V. shows set a really bad example of how kids treat parents, so not letting us watch too much when we were little was good. You also need to have a good example at home in your family."

"Being around nice teenagers at camp, who were good role models, helped, too."

"You need to find friends who are nice to their parents."

"Teenage is an awkward phase for parents and kids. It's better when it's a relationship based on mutual respect and more of an adult-like relationship."

So, there you go. Words of wisdom from a teenage daughter who has been pleasant to live with throughout her teenage years and is incredibly responsible.

My most recent teenager (the one who turned thirteen last week) had this wisdom to share when I asked her what parents of younger kids should do to make sure their girls are nice as teenagers:

My Newest Teen and Me

"Girls whose parents are nice are nice."

"You can't let the talking back slide when they're little."

"Don't give them everything they want."

"Teach them to be grateful."

If you have a teenage daughter and you're struggling in any area, I hope you'll take the time to reconnect and have fun together. And, if you have a younger daughter, I hope you'll listen to the words of wisdom shared by my girls. I think they know what they're talking about. I learn from them every day and am so grateful to have three teenage daughters.

"Life Changing" Lunches

2011-09-25T21:58:00.000-07:00

45 hours.

That's a conservative estimate of how much time I spent making my children's lunches each school year. I used 15 minutes a day for my estimate, because I am not at my best in the early morning. I spent a lot of time staring at the lunch boxes, trying to remember what was still needed -- fruit group? dairy? protein?

After seeing my friend Stacey's Facebook post last week, where she said she had "finished making lunches for the next two weeks," I read further to see that she had made and frozen sandwiches. I remembered my mother doing the same thing when I was a kid. Mine were turkey and cheese on wheat, and they always were thawed and tasted great at lunch.

I had an epiphany. I'm a big proponent of teaching kids independence and responsibility, so why was I still packing my kids' lunches? I think it was because I feared the choices a few of my kids would make if given free reign, and I wanted to make sure that they were getting the nutrients they needed to be healthy. So, I came up with a solution: "Sunshine's Lunch Packing Instructions," which my children could use to pack their own lunches -- the night before or even several days at a time.

The timing was perfect for my new discovery. I was going to be out of town for -- gasp -- three school lunches! I went over the instructions and watched -- giddily -- as my sons, ages 7 & 10, packed three lunches each. Ta - da! Done!

I am sharing my Instructions with the caveat that my kids often are packing all that they will eat between 7:30 am and 4:00 pm, so it is definitely lunch plus snacks before sports, etc. You may need to edit according to your child's schedule.

I had to organize my refrigerator and pantry a bit, but it was well worth the time. I put all of the dairy items in one area on the lowest shelf, and I made a lunch fruit and veggie drawer out of one of the produce drawers. I put apples and other loose fruits in there, but also bagged up some baby carrots and grapes. I also made a "chip/extra" bin in the pantry with chips, granola bars, etc. and a "treat" plastic drawer with some pre-bagged cookies, fruit roll-ups, and other sweet items.

When I shared the story of my lunch-packing epiphany with my friend Julie, she said I had "changed her life." I like that kind of positive reinforcement, so I was encouraged to share more! So, here, for all of your enjoyment (and hopefully use!) are Sunshine's Lunch Packing Instructions.

Let me know if you have any fun ideas of good lunch items, or any suggestions for improvement. And, I'd love to hear what you plan to do with those extra 45 hours.

Sunshine's Lunch Packing Instructions

Getting Comfortable with our Children's Discomfort

2011-08-09T07:54:00.000-07:00

I just listened to this podcast and thought I'd pass it along. Nurse Rona Renner and Dr. Christine Carter have a great reminder for parents. Sometimes, we need to encourage our kids to do things, even when they are expressing discomfort, because of the growth that can occur for them.

Since I had a "front row" seat to this story, I just want to say that Dr. Carter handled her daughter's discomfort very well!

When you're faced with one of those moments as a parent when you have to decide, "Do I push this and make him/her try it or not?," remember to think about the big picture of your child's development. Many things that are good for our children are not easy or comfortable at first, so sometimes we have to be okay with our kids feeling uncomfortable, anxious, and unhappy in order for them to have the opportunity to grow.

Talking about Summer Camp podcast: http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/gg_live/happiness_matters_podcast/podcast/summercamp/

Teaching Teamwork

2011-08-07T14:50:00.000-07:00

“No one can whistle a symphony. It takes a whole orchestra to play it.”

-H.E. Luccock

In this competitive, self-focused era, learning to be part of a team is a valuable skill that is not often taught to children (or adults!). Kids participate on many sports teams, but often that experience does not end up being a lesson in teamwork. Instead, sports teams often become a competitive experience of trying to get the position or play time they want as an individual.

One reason for our focus on non-competitive programs is so that kids can learn new skills without feeling the pressure to win or be the best. We also want kids to learn to be part of a team (their cabin group) and be better team members. The experience of living with a group of diverse people in a cabin group is the first lesson in teamwork that campers learn. Campers learn to work together to keep their living area organized, do daily clean up, and get to where they need to be (meals, activities, etc.). They also learn to support and encourage each other and help each cabin member do their best at each activity.

During the first few days of camp, each of our cabin groups goes through a “Team Building” program led by our trained ropes course staff. During a variety of games and activities, the campers learn to work together to accomplish tasks that they can only perform as a group. They learn about listening, leadership, and how to work through conflicts. The communication skills they learn at Team Building are used throughout camp. Lessons like taking turns when talking, sharing leadership, and planning before doing are all teamwork skills that campers can take home with them.

For Session 4, our theme is “Teamwork.” Counselors will be working with campers:

• To help them see how they contribute to their team and what special skills they bring to the group.

• To teach them to communicate well as a team, including how to brainstorm without judgment, listen to others’ ideas, and work through conflicts.

• To focus on how they can be good friends to their cabin mates.

More Optimism Tips

2011-08-01T08:27:00.000-07:00

"Nurture your mind with great thoughts;
to believe in the heroic makes heroes.”
-Benjamin Disraeli

Since our theme this session is optimism, and it’s one of my favorite topics, I've been reading up on the topic and thinking about how it relates to my own family and to our campers. I thought I’d share with you some of what I’ve learned about the importance of teaching kids to be optimists.

According to Dr. Christine Carter in her booking Raising Happiness, “Ten-year-olds who are taught to think and interpret the world optimistically are half as prone to depression when they later go through puberty.” Wow! With the rising statistics on kids and adults who suffer from depression and anxiety, that’s a pretty powerful reason to focus on helping our kids be more optimistic!

Carter recommends three ways parents (and counselors) can help kids be more optimistic: give affection; teach kids to cope with challenges and frustration; and model optimism ourselves. At camp, kids have ample opportunities to try new, often challenging activities. Learning to deal with the frustration of not being able to get up on water skiis on the first, second, third, or fourth try is a powerful lesson in both persistence and optimism. Our role is to help kids learn to handle setbacks and frustrations in a positive way and realize that “success is 99% failure.” (Soichiro Honda)
“Optimism is so closely related to happiness that the two can practically be equated," says Carter, whose research has found that optimistic people are:
• More successful in school, at work, and in athletics
• Healthier and longer lived
• More satisfied with their marriages
• Less likely to suffer from depression
• Less anxious

In an article titled “Raise Your Children to be Optimists,” Elizabeth Scott, MS, gives these ten tips for parents:
1. Help Them Experience Success
2. Give Credit for Success
3. Look for Future Success
4. Don't Praise Indiscriminately
5. Validate, but question
6. Remember Success in the Face of Failure
7. Look for "Opportunities to Improve"
8. Look for the Bright Side
9. Don't Use Negative Labels

10. Make an Example of Yourself

“The world always looks brighter from behind a smile.”
~Author Unknown

Smiling is another powerful tool in promoting optimism, so we practice a lot of smiling around GAC!

During this second week of Session 3, we will continue to promote optimism and help campers have a more optimistic outlook. We hope their new optimism habits will help campers approach life more positively when they get back home!

Resources:

The Optimistic Child: Raise Your Children to be Optimists
Benefits of Optimism
Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents, by Christine Carter, PH.D.
The Greater Good Science Center, U.C. Berkeley
Optimism Activities (Fishful Thinking website)

Raising Optimistic Kids

2011-07-24T22:19:00.000-07:00

As I parent, I’ve spent a lot of time focusing on making sure my children are getting a good education. I check to see that they are keeping up academically, that their school is challenging enough for them, and that they are getting a well-rounded education. I made sure to read aloud to them so that they’ll be good readers. Many of my conversations with other parents revolve around academics: what our children are or are not learning in school, how good their teachers are, and, now that my oldest are in high school, what they need to do to get into college. I believe that a good, solid education is going to provide my children with more opportunities for success as adults. I think most parents would agree. There are some other parenting priorities, however, that I think are sometimes overlooked when we get ultra-focused on academics. These are character assets that, coupled with a good education, will truly be the key to future happiness for our kids. One trait that I want my kids to develop is optimism, and it is something we focus on here at Gold Arrow Camp, as well.

Optimism seems to come naturally to some people. They see the best in every situation and person, never let a failure get them down, and basically look on the bright side. For optimists, a rainy day is a positive thing, an opportunity for dust to settle and the air to be cleared. A failed attempt at something new is viewed as a step towards future success. A counselor once told me a story about a remarkable camper in his group. The young boy was struggling with hitting the target at archery, but instead of getting frustrated and giving up, as kids often do, he had a smile and a great outlook. He let his counselor and cabin mates know that he was going to “hit the target soon,” and he just needed to “keep on trying.” That kind of optimistic spirit will take that young man far in life!

“The Goldfish Guide to Raising Optimistic Kids” reads:

“Let them try new things, even if they don’t always work out.

Tell them to dream big but to start small.

Encourage them to learn from others but to always be themselves.

Make sure they do a little something every day, and a little nothing every day.

Help them to notice what’s nice and to deal with what’s not.

Encourage them to look outside themselves and inside themselves.”

For some great articles about raising optimistic kids and a copy of the cartoon version of the above message, visit the Fishful Thinking website at http://www.fishfulthinking.com/Optimism/Articles.

Here’s to raising a generation of optimists!

Making Friends at GAC

2011-07-10T08:02:00.000-07:00

Since there is nothing so well worth having as friends, never lose a chance to make them. ~Francesco Guicciardini

Our theme this session is friendship. While friendship is always an integral part of camp and one of our big goals, we are encouraging our Session #2 campers to be intentional about being good friends to each other and observant about what they appreciate about their friends.

Some of the questions we will be asking campers to think and talk about are:

What are the qualities of a good friend?

How can I be a better friend?

Who is being a good friend to me and how can I express my appreciation for them?

Some of the specific skills our counselors will be looking for and helping develop in campers are:

• Listening Skills: The ability to listen with interest to a friend’s stories, jokes, and comments.

Friends are those rare people who ask how you are and then wait for the answer. ~Author Unknown

• Empathy: The ability to understand how your friend feels in a given situation, and express comforting and encouraging thoughts.

• Sharing: The willingness to share time and possessions with others.

Admit Wrongs/Offer Forgiveness: The ability to admit when you’re wrong and ask for forgiveness, as well as the ability to forgive others when they’ve done something wrong.

The friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you.

~Elbert Hubbard, The Notebook, 1927

• Flexibility: Sometimes being a good friend means doing the activity or event that your friend wants to do even if you have another preference. And, in turn, your friend’s willingness to try your preference the next time, shows that they are being a good friend, too!

On the bulletin board on the ramp to our Dining Porch, campers and staff will be able to put notes and thoughts about friendship. At our daily Morning Assembly, “GAC”s of Friendship will be reported and green and yellow eggs will be added to our Spirit Thermometer.

Our goal, of course, is to encourage our campers to be better friends to each other and to their friends at home!

Here’s to being good friends at GAC during Session 2!

Related post: Finding Gold in a Plastic Era

Teaching Kids Kindness

2011-07-03T16:33:00.000-07:00

“Being considerate of others will take your children further in life than any college degree.”

-Marian Wright Edelman

Being a considerate, kind person who thinks about others is a great character trait that helps children form friendships and leads to a happier life as an adult. In jobs and in future relationships, kindness will take our children “further in life than any college degree.”

Children are not born knowing how to be kind. They learn it from watching their parents, peers, and mentors (like camp counselors!). By focusing on and praising kindness this session, we are encouraging children to “beef up” their kindness skills. No matter how kind a person already is, it never hurts to focus on thinking of others and saying and doing nice things for them.

Over this past week, campers and counselors have been encouraged to write down notes when they see others being kind. Notes are read at our daily Morning Assembly and posted on our Kindness board at the Dining Porch. Campers are watching our Spirit Thermometer getting filled each day. Each green and yellow plastic egg put into the Spirit Thermometer represents one “GAC” of kindness that’s happened at Camp this week. The notes are also posted on our kindness board at the Dining Porch for everyone to read. We will continue to focus on kindness during the second week of Session #1, and counselors will be talking with campers about kindness. Some of their campfire and meal discussion topics will include:

• Having each camper share something kind they’ve seen someone else do this past week.

• Asking campers: What’s the nicest thing some one has ever done for you?

• Asking campers: What are kind things we can do for our friends? For our parents? For people we don’t know?

• Asking campers: How do you want to be remembered by your cabin mates and counselors?

“You can’t live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you.” -John Wooden

I asked campers to tell me about kindnesses they’ve seen or done this week, and here is what some of them had to say:

“Keaton from Cabin 16 helped Bullwinkle put away riflery safety equipment without being asked.”

“Everybody cheered everybody on at the ropes course, and we all got through it.” Libby Block

“My friend Jackson let me borrow his shampoo and towel when I didn’t have mine.” Peter, Cabin 16

“Sophia from cabin 1 walked a younger camper back to her cabin after free time.”

“Cameron and Rebecca (Cabin 5) cleaned two other girls sleeping mats just to be nice.”

“Emma (Cabin 5 )was very encouraging to every wakeboarder and always shouted praise.”

“Cameron was very helpful by always offering to be a buddy when people needed to go somewhere.”

“Charlotte gave everyone lotion so that we would all have the softest faces in the world.”

“Alyssa shared her shampoo with all.”

“Cabin 12 serenaded other cabins during the rainy day.”

“Cabin 25 helped put away all of the kayaks for a girls cabin.”

“Although she was not K.P., Sarah S. (Cabin 1) gladly picked up everybody’s trash after dessert.”

“Sarah (Cabin 11), helped put away every kayak after activity.”

“Blaine (Cabin 15) came to ask me for my plate during K.P. – very kind!” Tqoe

We are so happy that campers and counselors are practicing kindness and praising kindness in others, and we will continue to do so for the rest of the session, and the summer!

Here’s to a kindness-filled week at GAC!

"GAC"s of Kindness

2011-06-27T10:16:00.000-07:00

Our Vision: Gold Arrow Camp is a supportive community where lives are enriched through relationships and experiences.

At Gold Arrow Camp, we focus on being a community that is inclusive and warm. Our campers are expected to be respectful and kind to one another and to our staff. “Put downs” and other negative comments are not allowed. During training week, counselors learned about creating warm, fun, and welcoming environments in their cabin groups. Our goal is for campers to use positive language with each other. At their first cabin campfires, campers discussed their cabin’s code of conduct and agreed on how they are going to live with and treat each other to make sure that everyone has a positive experience at Camp.

Each session, we have a theme that is introduced at Camper Orientation and focused on throughout the session. Our Session 1 theme is “GACs” of Kindness. Counselors will discuss ideas with campers and encourage them to think more about kindness and incorporate kindness in their daily routine. Acts of kindness will be recognized and praised by counselors, announced at our daily Morning Assemblies, posted on our “Kindness” board, and talked about throughout the session.

Helping others makes people happy. It feels good to share, to give, and to be kind to others. Sometimes in secret, and sometimes in front of others, we’ll do nice things for our fellow campers and counselors this session. Leaving notes, doing a chore for them, making a friendship bracelet at arts and crafts, and listening intently to their stories, will all be acts of kindness that will make others happy and, in turn, make us happy, too!

One of the great things about Gold Arrow Camp is that so many people are happy when they’re here. Some campers even describe GAC as their “happiest place on earth.” We hope by focusing on kindness this session our campers will come home happier because of their new kindness habit!

6 Things Parents of Teenagers Really Need to Know

2011-03-29T10:00:00.000-07:00

This is a short clip from the Today show about six simple things parents can do to raise healthy teenagers. I especially liked the part about giving up electronics (parents, too!) for at least a week each year to spend time as a family!

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891/vp/33987966#33987966

Friends: Finding Gold in a Plastic Era

2011-03-08T12:09:00.000-08:00

“Friendship is the gold of childhood.”

Michael Thompson’s statement stuck with me long after I attended his session on the social lives of millennial children at a recent American Camp Association conference. I would go even farther and say that friendship is not just the gold of childhood, but also of life. And, unfortunately, our culture is not currently supporting the development of healthy, solid friendships between kids. Friendship is more important than any academic subject or athletic skill, and yet the way our kids spend their time does not reflect this importance. For many kids, there simply isn’t time in their lives for developing strong, close friendships.

What are our kids learning about friendship in this Facebook and texting era of “friends?” Many boast hundreds, even thousands of “friends.” Yet some of those same kids don’t have one single person in their life who meets the criteria of a true and trusted friend. Face-to-face social skills, such as being able to read non-verbal cues, are learned through practice. If communication is primarily through media, then those skills are not being honed. And, unfortunately, kids will text or message something hurtful that they would never say face-to-face. Yet the hurt feelings on the other end are real.

Another cultural factor that is counter-productive to the development of solid friendships is the constant, high-stakes competition our children are constantly in with their peers. Who’s ranked higher at school? Who made the “A” team? Who’s more popular? Often, instead of being truly supportive and encouraging to each other, kids want their peers to fail. How sad.

“Friends are those rare people who ask how you are and then wait for an answer.”

-Author Unknown

Making friends, and being a good friend, doesn’t come naturally to all people. And, coupled with the crazy culture we’re in, it’s no surprise that many kids are struggling to form strong friendships.

“Friends are everything. They are always there if you have a problem or

if you get hurt, they can always help you up.”

-Patricio, Camper, Age 8

Friends are the reason campers and counselors return to Gold Arrow Camp year after year. At camp, there is time for friendship. Precious, relaxing time to get to know each other, spend time making memories, and communicating face-to-face. Our whole camp community is built around inclusion, respect, and kindness. There is no competition at camp, no “A” team or “popular” group. Just kids having fun together and learning to live and play with each other, work out disagreements, and become better friends to each other.

“A friend is someone you’re not afraid to be yourself with.”

-Hannah, Camper, Age 14

Counselors are trained to help kids connect from the moment they get on the bus until the last good bye. Long talks at meals, around the campfire, and under the stars in sleeping bags are uninterrupted by cell phones and other technological distractions. Campers can’t “tune out” by putting earphones in. They stay engaged with each other and learn to connect. Counselors gently coach campers who need to develop social skills in areas such as listening skills, initiating conversations, and understanding non-verbal cues.

“Friends are awesome, because they stand up for you, and they care for you.”

-Joey, Camper, age 11

At our final campfire one session last summer, the Randy Newman song, “You’ve Got a Friend in Me,” came on during the slide show. A group of four twelve-year-old boys sitting on the bench in front of me spontaneously put their arms around each other and started swaying back and forth, singing along to the song. I will never forget that vivid picture of the power of camp friendships.

Resources: Best Friends, Worst Enemies, by Michael Thompson; Michael Thompson's February, 2011, session at the American Camp Association Conference about Community, Friendship, Social Power and Bullying in Childhood and Adolescence; Separation Anxiety, article in Stanford Magazine's January/February issue.

Get Unplugged!

2011-02-09T07:40:00.000-08:00

The January/February issue of Stanford Magazine reported on research being done about the impact of time spent online (link to the article provided below). It gave me even more reasons to celebrate that Gold Arrow Camp gives kids an extended period of “unplugged” time.

Researchers at Stanford (and I’m sure elsewhere) are investigating what many of us intuitively know – all this time spent online is not good for us! What’s most frightening is that we don’t know the full impact online time is having on our kids. It’s not just their excessive online time that’s a problem, but also the time we parents spend online. How many things are we NOT doing because we’re online? And what kind of role modeling are we providing? I think it’s down time, conversations with family, reading, and the pursuit of other fulfilling hobbies that suffer when we don’t turn off our phones and computers. We need to establish technology-free zones in our families to maintain the emotional and social health of our kids and ourselves.

A Stanford researcher (Aboujaoude) found in a 2006 study that between 4-14% of people surveyed admitted that a “preoccupation with being online was interfering in various ways with their relationships, financial health, and other aspects of real life.” What must that number be now – in the Twitter, Facebook, Mommy Blogging era? Many people can’t seem to stop checking their Facebook and sending texts and tweets even while driving! And how many kids and adults are sleep-deprived from too much late night internet?

Another researcher, Naas, observed that, “It’s becoming perfectly okay to use media while we’re interacting.” His example was that he regularly has to ask college students to stop texting while they are having a meeting with him, their professor! This is just one sad symptom of our ever-devolving social abilities. We’re losing our focus on the real, face-to-face relationships that make life meaningful and not modeling for the next generations how to treat live people. I will await the results of Naas’ study on pre-teen girls and the impact of their time online on their confidence and social skills.

With researchers finding that “the internal experience today is one of hyper-anxiety,” and there has been a “devaluing of thoughtfulness,” how can we afford not to tear ourselves and our kids from our smart phones and computers? Many parents already recognize the benefit of unplugging kids and themselves, and I hope there will be a cultural shift back to living in the moment and focusing on the people we’re with. In the meantime, I’m so grateful we have a place where kids (and the adults who work with them) can get outdoors, get off their darn computers and cell phones, and learn better skills at relating to people face-to-face!

Link to the original article: Separation Anxiety

Richard Louv's Thoughts about Camp

2011-01-25T17:25:00.000-08:00

I really enjoyed this article by Richard Louv. Like me, Louv is a huge proponent of getting kids OUTSIDE, in NATURE, and off those darn computers and phones!

Camp Revival, by Richard Louv, author of Last Child in the Woods

The Power of Camp

2011-01-11T10:42:00.000-08:00

“You’re sending Sophia to camp for TWO WEEKS?”

Shock is a common response parents get when discussing sending their child to sleep-away camp. They often face criticism for allowing their young child out from under their direct supervision. In this over-involved parenting age, the thought of allowing an eight year old to go away to camp for two weeks is incomprehensible to many parents. What “non-camp” parents don’t understand
is that allowing your child to have a camp experience is a gift that has positive, life-long benefits beyond learning how to sail or rock climb. Camp parents aren’t bad parents who “send their children away.” They are parents who see the value in letting their children have an experience that enriches their childhood.

Parents who went to traditional summer camps as children themselves are much more likely to send their children to camp compared to other parents. Many of these parents still keep in touch with camp friends and worked as camp counselors during college. They understand the life-long benefits they gained from their camp experiences and want the same thing for their kids. Experienced camp parents need not read further. This article is for parents who want to know why many families choose to send their children to sleep away camp.

A Taste of Independence

Being super-involved with our children and always being in constant communication with them has become something modern parents brag about. But when do we start letting go and giving our kids a chance to feel independent from us? With cell phones attached at our (and their) hips, our children are in constant communication with us. Forgot their lunch? A friend says something mean? Stubbed their toe? We know right away and swoop in to rescue them.

Intuitively, we know that it’s better to let our kids deal with consequences from their mistakes, face some problems on their own, and get through the day without us, but it’s SO HARD to let them. We feel fortunate to have a close relationship with our child and we don’t want to jeopardize that relationship by turning off our phone or saying “no.” It’s difficult to let them face a problem or bad day at school on their own. Unfortunately, we are setting our kids up for much more difficulty later in life if we don’t start letting them have some independence when they are younger.

Camp experiences at younger ages may help children adjust to later independent experiences, including college. A Stanford Magazine (May/June, 2009) article called “Students on the Edge” published results of research on the psychological health of current University students:
“Unlike previous generations, young people often speak with their parents several times a day. And while family closeness is usually a positive force, it can come with a downside. Administrators at Stanford and elsewhere describe a level of parental involvement that often limits choices and has altered the cultural norms of college life. That includes parents who insist on choosing their child’s area of study and then show up to negotiate his or her salary after graduation.”

Sleep away camps, especially those that do not allow cell phones and phone calls, offer a great opportunity for kids to develop independence in a supportive, safe setting away from their parents. Some parents today think that it’s a comforting thought that their child may end up living with them, or at least calling every day, well into adulthood. Most of us know, however, that when you truly love your children and want the best for them, you need to give them more freedom, responsibilities, and independence as they grow through their different stages of childhood and into adulthood.

These words of a first-time sleep away camp parent are especially poignant:
“My shy, quiet nine year old went to camp not knowing a soul. Two weeks later, my daughter came home transformed. She blossomed, she made friends, learned a multitude of activities, felt safe, loved, confident, and happy, really happy. As hard as it was on me, it was all worth it for her. I know this is the single best thing I have ever done for her.”

First time camp experiences are much harder on parents than they are on kids. The relief parents feel when they see their child after a camp stay is palpable, and the amazement at their child’s growth is an equally strong emotion. The independence kids experience at camp can open their eyes to many new dreams and opportunities, and may lead to them feeling more confident about pursuing schools, travels, and adventures further from home. Although it’s hard to let kids go, the words of singer Mark Harris sum up what most parents dream of for their children:
“It’s not living if you don’t reach for the sky. I’ll have tears as you take off, but I’ll cheer you as you fly.”

Kids Don’t Learn this at School

So much of our focus as parents is on making sure our children get a good education, but schools can’t equip our kids with all of the skills they need to be happy, successful adults. Besides independence, camps also focus on modeling and teaching other important life skills.
Here are some of the life skills campers say they learn at camp:

“I learned…
… to be responsible.”
…I could do more than I thought, and I grew up a lot in two weeks.”
…better leadership skills.”
…different ways to get along with other campers.”
…Believe in yourself. And try everything.”
…how to interact with people better.”
…to set a goal and achieve it.”
…to face my fears and to just always have a good time.”
…Approach someone. Don’t wait for them to approach you.”
…to work as a team.”
…to enjoy the present, instead of worrying about the future.”
…when you voice an opinion, people listen.
…what good friends are.”
…you never back down, and try your hardest.”
…if you stay positive, you’ll have fun no matter what you do.”

There are so many skills and values we teach our kids, but some are best learned hands-on, living and playing with others. Camp offers the unique opportunity to learn and practice skills that can improve the quality of our kids’ lives.

Experience Nature: Fighting NDD and EA

“Nature Deficit Disorder” (NDD), coined by Richard Louv, and “Electronics Addiction” (EA - coined by yours truly and others) can both be combated by a camp experience. When was the last time your kid hiked through the woods or got a mosquito bite? For that matter, when was the last time your child took out their headphones or turned off their cell phone? In Lenore Skenazy’s book, Free Range Kids, she elaborates on how we have somehow skewed parenting into something resembling packing our kids in bubble wrap and avoiding all experiences in order to avoid any negative ones. We live in fear of all the “what ifs” and end up not allowing our children any freedom. Electronics fill in the gap nicely. In Richard Louv’s book Last Child in the Woods, he talks about what our kids are missing out on from not being exposed to nature. He coined the term “Nature Deficit Disorder” to refer to a generation of kids who may never experience nature because it’s too “scary” or foreign to them. He predicts they will grow into adults who prefer staying inside with their TVs, computers, and other electronics.

Most camps have “electronics free” policies and don’t allow campers to bring electronic games, cell phones, computers, etc. While disconnecting from technology, campers learn to relate better to other people, face to face, without headphones on or a cell phone in hand. This break from electronics is great for kids, as they quickly learn that they can get by without them. In this technology-crazed world, camp is one of the few remaining bastions of freedom from electronics.

Gone are the days when kids spent hours playing unsupervised in the fresh air, making up games, finding bugs, and just being kids. Instead, childhood activities are mostly structured and adult-supervised. Play dates are organized by parents and almost never spontaneous. While camp activities are supervised, kids still get an enormous amount of exposure to nature, a sense of freedom, and a chance to make new friends. For many first-time campers, camp is their first chance to sleep outdoors, gain a love for recreational activities ranging from archery to sailing, and see what the stars look like away from city lights. The love and respect for nature that camp experiences foster in our kids may ensure that they grow up to be adults who care what happens to their world. And who get off their computers and go outside once in a while.

10 Kids Health Issues to Watch in 2011

2010-12-08T08:50:00.000-08:00

Article about kids health issues to watch for 2011. Among them: fighting Nature Deficit Disorder!
http://kidshealth.org/parent/kh_misc/2011_issues.html

The Gift of Childhood Memories

2010-12-06T14:00:00.000-08:00

"The best thing you can give your children, next to good habits, are good memories."
-Sydney Harris

Making Memories with Grandma & Grandpa

     We’ve started thinking about what gifts to give our kids this holiday, and it’s difficult to think of anything they could possibly need. Of course, there is an onslaught of ads aimed at our kids, convincing them that there are still toys, clothes, and electronic gadgets they must have. My seven-year-old adds to his Christmas list weekly and is especially focused on getting something he can drive. Thinking back to my own childhood, I'm hard-pressed to remember many gifts I received. And there is only one that I still have -- my sewing machine!

      Most material gifts we’ve given our children over the years are outdated, broken, lost, or unused within months of the gifting. I (and my kids) can hardly remember what the gifts were! Like most parents, I realize that there are far more important gifts we give our children than the ones we wrap in December for Christmas or Hannukah. The gifts that last are the ones that can’t be wrapped. In fact, the best gifts aren't tangible items but memories. In the spirit of the holidays, I thought I’d write a list of suggested gifts. I hope you find something in here that you can give your child this year!

• Read a book together. Even older kids like to hear a good book, but another option with older kids is to both read the same book, then meet to have your own “book club” to discuss it when you’re done. At camp, our counselors often read a chapter book to kids at bedtime over the course of the session. It relaxes everyone at the end of the day to hear some reading, plus it helps get campers in bed quicker if they know they can hear an extra chapter. It’s also fun to talk about and guess what’s going to happen next. In any case, I’ve always enjoyed reading with my kids. It’s a great excuse to re-read my favorite books!

• Schedule “dates” with your kids. I know families who have "date nights" with each of their children.   I love the idea and would like to work it in to my gift giving this year. One child may want a lunch date, while another prefers a bike ride or a game of golf. In any case, spending time hanging out with our kids, doing something they want to do with us, is a gift indeed (for both them and us!). Time seems to be the hardest gift to give, but it is also most highly valued by the recipient.

• Plan fun family events. Anything you do as a family creates memories and is a gift that will be remembered. Whether it’s a movie and popcorn at home or a late night walk through the neighborhood to see the lights, the gift of time as a family is so important to our kids.

• Make a scrapbook or slide show together. Like many of my gift suggestions, this one requires time. I firmly believe in the importance of recording and recounting memories. My kids never get tired of hearing about what they were like when they were babies. Take some time this holiday to get out the old photos (or pull them up on the screen!) and create a book or collage together. We like to list our "Top 100 Memories" of the year. It's fun to reflect on what we've done together over the year.

• Focus on giving. We live in a self-absorbed culture where our kids are being bombarded by messages about what they need to buy and how they need to look. A huge gift we can give our kids is to show them the joy in giving to others. One year, our children gave each of their grandparents a poster board with their handprints and messages about what they liked about each grandparent. Two of those boards are now framed and adorning the hallway at Grandma and Grandpa’s house. Seeing how much their grandparents valued their homemade gift was an important lesson for our kids. There are many organizations that are requesting gifts this time of year. I think a great gift to give our kids is the chance to participate in giving to others, either in our family or in our community.

• Give friendship, fun, and growth. I’ll wrap up my gift-giving suggestions with one of my favorites, camp! The gift of camp lasts a lot longer than any toy. Campers learn life skills, such as independence and responsibility, while having the time of their lives. Here’s what some of our campers have to say about why they come back to Gold Arrow Camp:

“This is my happiest place on earth.”
“Because I can be myself here and do new things.”
“Because it is a place where kids can get away from parents and meet new kids.”
“It changes me as a person A LOT! I always love making new friends. And I love all the freedom that you get. And counselors are awesome!”
“It is the best camp ever! Everyone is so nice and it is a great environment for kids. I never want to leave!”
“I love it here. It’s like a second home to me. I LOVE GAC! I want to be a counselor.”
“At GAC, the atmosphere and the people here are awesome. Also, coming to GAC is the highlight of my summer cause I have a lot of fun and I love to meet new people.”
“Because I love the way I feel when I’m here.”
“I don’t go through the pressures that are in the ‘real world.’”
“Everyone is kind and courteous and makes you feel like family.”
“I always make new friends and have so much fun.”
“It is always fun at every activity and there is support all around you.”
“I love meeting new people and I love the outdoors and the mountains.”
“I think it is a great experience and I feel lucky that I can come to the best camp. The second you walk into camp, you’re a different person.”
“I love this camp and I couldn’t imagine a summer without it.”
“I did stuff I’ve never done before, and I had amazing experiences, great friends, and awesome counselors.”
“I belonged here. I found myself.”

I'd love for you to share your ideas for non-material, memorable gifts to give children during the holidays and throughout the year. Please use the comments section here!

I wish you a stress-free holiday season where you can focus on creating family memories with your kids.

Happy Holidays!

Resources: Advent Conspiracy

Print these Great Tips!

2010-10-28T14:06:00.000-07:00

I just ran across this page on the Greater Good website and love all the printable "tips:"
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/raising_happiness/try_this/

The "Teaching Gratitude" one is my favorite.

Nature Pees and Lanyard Fishing Poles

2010-10-20T19:03:00.000-07:00

     Watching the campers construct fishing poles out of sticks and lanyard string, I had a revelation. Kids rarely get a chance to play like this any more. And, boy, are they good at it when they are given the opportunity!

    For the first time in many years, I went on a GAC backpacking trip last summer. Led by Kamau and Blitz, our experienced and fun backpacking instructors, Cabin 0 and I enjoyed a fun-filled afternoon and overnight at Indian Falls before returning to camp the following morning.

      During the hike, we sang songs, did riddles, and talked as we walked. We took a break to play “Camouflage” at Indian Pools. One camper stood in a designated spot while the rest of us hid in the surrounding area. We had to be able to see the “Spotter,” who carefully looked around at the surrounding rocks, trees, and bushes to try to spot us.

     We drank our water and ate our special camp trail mix – a homemade concoction of granola and LOTS of chocolate. Since it was warm, our chocolate melted, making a gooey, cookie-like substance that tasted much better out on a trail than it ever would at home.

     When we reached our destination, we weren’t overly tired (it’s about a two and a half mile trip), but we were hot and ready to go in the water. In the pool below Indian Falls, the kids swam, played in the waterfall, and explored. Three hours passed while the girls entertained themselves playing in and around the water. When Kit Kat (the group counselor) brought down lanyard string, several of the girls made fishing poles. I was struck by how naturally creative kids are when left to their own devices. And I was so thankful that our campers have the opportunity to just play, without adults providing all of the structure, all of the time.

    I was also thankful that our children get to spend a night in an even more remote and natural setting than camp. Several of the girls were experienced GAC campers who were well versed in “nature peeing,” which is what is required when you’re out in the wilderness without toilets of any kind. One first-year camper proudly declared at campfire that she had done her first "nature pee." I thought about how many kids (and people) don’t want to spend a night in the wilderness, because they can’t bear the thought of being without the comforts of home. These girls absolutely loved being there and felt a tremendous sense of accomplishment at carrying their belongings and learning to live outdoors. I know they are developing a love of the outdoors and am so glad they had the opportunity to backpack at Gold Arrow Camp.

     Our dinner was grilled cheese and pesto sandwiches (pesto optional) and tasted delicious. Everything tastes better cooked over a campfire! We ate through two loaves of bread before we moved on to s’mores and a cookie concoction that was slightly charred on the outside but gooey and delicious on the inside.

The girls shared their highs and lows of the day around the campfire before we brushed our teeth using our water bottles and climbed into our sleeping bags to enjoy the night sky. I woke up several times and never quite found a comfortable position on the hard dirt, but the stars provided a great backdrop to a restless night of sleep. The campers, however, all declared in the morning how well they slept. Ah, the miracle of childhood!

We returned to camp with dirty faces, hands, and clothes, but we felt fantastic and had an experience all of us will remember forever.

Richard Louv's Last Child in the Woods: Saving our Children from Nature Deficit Disorder is a great book about the importance of getting our kids out in nature. Let's get our kids unplugged and show them how amazing, beautiful, and fun it is to be outside!

Highs, Lows, and Buffalos

2010-09-02T11:54:00.000-07:00

What do kids choose to share with their parents about their camp experience? Most kids immediately share about their accomplishments ("I got up on water skis!"), the fun, and the new friends they made.
Others focus on a negative event with another camper ("Johnny wouldn't play the card game I wanted to play").

How do people communicate and connect with one another? Some people seem to connect with others through negative events, complaining, and sharing the "drama" in their lives.
This is notable on Facebook profiles that show a string of bad events in the updates. Perhaps their connection with friends and families is through the support and encouragement they get when they report the negatives?

Some kids seem to have a relationship with their parents that is focused on the negative events of their lives. The child communicates about negative events (mean kids, bad teacher, etc.), and the parent gives a lot of attention and support to the issue. Perhaps this habit developed over time, as the child found that reporting something negative was a great way to get the parent's attention. Or, perhaps the child was just born with a more sullen nature.

Other people seem to rarely have anything go wrong and have only positive things to share. They don't share with their family and friends about any negative events. Some children, too, don't open up to their parents about a bad event, perhaps because they don't want to worry or burden them with it. Or, maybe they don't know how to bring it up.

An activity we do at camp has been helpful in our family at getting our kids to communicate about both positive and negative events. For children who don't normally share their struggles and keep them bottled up, it helps them open up. And for those who don't naturally focus on the good things, it helps guide them to see the positive in their day. It's an activity called, "High & Lows," or, as it's now evolved, "Highs, Lows, and Buffalos."

It's very simple: Each person has a turn (uninterrupted, with everyone focused on them) to share:
• The HIGH point of their day.
• The LOW point of their day.
• And anything else they want to share (that's the BUFFALO).

We do it at dinner. Everyone likes their turn. We learn about each other, and we all have to think of something to share! Lots of great stories come out, and we end up laughing, giving advice, and just feeling connected.

Try it in your family, and see if you can get your kids to share the highs and lows of their day, their week, and their life!

Parking the Helicopter

2010-08-04T18:24:00.000-07:00

        As parents of this generation, we have been told that great parenting means being super-involved with our children and always being in constant communication with them. We give them cell phones as soon as we feel they are ready to have a bit of independence, so that we can be assured that they will call us the minute they need us. There are many benefits to this parenting style. We know our kids well and have developed close family relationships.
We also know each of their homework assignments (and assist with a few of them), the drills they did at soccer practice (because we either coached their team or stayed and watched), and what they ate for snack at school. The downside to our “helicopter” parenting, though, is it makes it difficult for our children to develop their independence, problem-solving, and decision-making skills.

     Hooray for camp! Without a cell phone (or their parent next to them) to immediately turn to when they are faced with a decision, campers learn to use other resources – including their own great minds. Without us watching them and being a reminder of what they’ve been scared of in the past, they challenge themselves and try something new. The confidence that results from their accomplishments and independence can be life-changing, and the best thing we hear from our campers and parents is that camp truly makes their life better. According to former camper and counselor, Renee “Zippy” Tucknott, “Gold Arrow Camp taught me early in life that I can survive in the world without my parents making my decisions, and I am able to make my own decisions and choices that will impact my life. When I got to college, I experienced some of the same decisions and choices and already knew I could survive on my own.”

     As technology has provided us with the ever-increasing ability to be in touch – immediately – with everyone, it has also given the children and young adults of this generation a crutch which we (those of us in our late 30’s and up) did not have. When faced with a decision or problem with a friend, we had to rely on ourselves first and later discuss it with our parents. Now, kids are getting accustomed to calling their parents before attempting to solve the challenge on their own. At Gold Arrow Camp, we have a great support network of staff to help our campers work through challenges, fears, and problems that may come up. They never feel “alone,” but they feel independent from their parents, and a lot of pride comes from that independence.

     So, enjoy your child’s stay at GAC this summer and rest assured that while your helicopter is parked, your child is spreading their wings!

Happiness Habits: Gratitude, Optimism, & Kindness

2010-07-11T08:57:00.000-07:00

“Realize that true happiness lies within you. Waste no time and effort searching for peace and contentment and joy in the world outside. Remember that there is no happiness in having or in getting, but only in giving. Reach out. Share. Smile. Hug.”

-Og Mandino

All of us want our children to be happy. In fact, when you ask most parents what they want for their child, they’ll often answer, “I just want him/her to be happy.”

Unfortunately, being happy is not easy for many people. According to a Psychology Today article written by Peter Gray, “Rates of depression and anxiety among young people in America have been increasing steadily for the past fifty to seventy years.”

With the highest rates of depression and anxiety in history, our culture is facing an unprecedented problem of unhappiness. At camp, we’ve seen steadily increasing numbers of campers who are being treated for depression and anxiety. A friend recommended Christine Carter’s book, Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents, and I enjoyed reading it and seeing how I can apply it both in my family and at camp. Many quotes in this article are from the book, and I encourage you to read it if you are interested in learning more about helping your kids be happier!

“Our happiness depends in part on the happiness of the people we are connected with.”

-From Raising Happiness by Dr. Christine Carter

Kids love coming to camp, and, for many of our returning campers, GAC is one of their favorite places, often described as their “happiest” place. Why is that? I think it’s because people smile here. We have fun. We sing. We dance. We laugh. We get lots of exercise, and the beneficial endorphins created from our exertion improve our moods. We don't have homework or the distractions of constant texts, calls, and beeps. The people who work here want to be here and are “in the moment” with campers. Because GAC is such a happy place, it’s easy for kids to be happy while they’re here. They relax. They let go of stress. They have fun!

But we’d like our campers to take home more than just memories of fun and happiness. So, at camp, we focus on three "happiness habits" that we hope campers will use outside of camp: gratitude, optimism, and kindness. We’re hoping campers will capture the fun and happiness of camp and take it home with them!

“…happiness is better thought of as a collection of habits rather than a genetically endowed trait.”

-Carter

What makes people happy? As it turns out, our genetics and life circumstances account for 60% of our happiness. Research has shown that we have control over the other 40%. We can develop habits that make us happier. We can teach our kids that they can create their own happiness.

According to Carter, Only 20% of people are truly “flourishing,” which is described as being “happy and resilient even when facing difficulty.” All of us want our children to be in that 20%. We can help them by practicing happiness habits ourselves and by coaching them to develop their own happiness habits.

The following “Happiness Habits” are a great start for us as parents and for our children:
• Gratitude
• Optimism
• Acts of kindness

Gratitude

“People who ‘practice gratitude’ feel considerably happier than those who do not; they are more joyful, enthusiastic, interested, and determined.”

-Carter

When kids (and adults) feel grateful rather than entitled, they are much happier. At camp, we encourage campers to talk about things they are thankful for both at camp and at home.
At home, a great dinner or bedtime conversation can be thinking of three things we are grateful for each day. Carter also recommends a “gratitude journal.” In our family, we have a bulletin board where family members can add notes of things we are each thankful for.

Optimism

People, by nature, lean towards being optimistic or pessimistic. However, we can work towards being more optimistic by practicing positive language both in our heads and to the people around us. At camp, we teach kids to have an “I can” attitude going into new activities and challenges. We also encourage campers to see tiny achievements as success. So, if a camper does not make it to the top of the climbing wall, they are encouraged and praised for their effort and for their partial success.

“We need to protect our kids not from failure but from a life void of failure.”

-Carter

Another important aspect of optimism is seeing our mistakes and failures as learning opportunities. All of us know the stories of the multiple failures of many highly successful individuals. But, unfortunately, we’re living in a time when parents often “rescue” their children from failure rather than letting them learn from it. As a parent, one of the most difficult things we need to do is sit by and watch as our children fail at something. Allowing our children to fail gives them a great opportunity for learning and growth. We can be supportive and help them regroup and learn from the failure, so that they can do better next time.

“Knowing that it is practice rather than innate talent that makes a person successful can help kids take risks in order to rise to the top of their field – or try something new in order to find their true passion.”

-Carter

I was especially struck with Carter’s chapter about praise. She stresses the importance of using “growth mindset” praise with children. Since, in reality, it is not innate skill but rather practice, dedication, and passion that dictate who rises to the top in their field, we need to encourage our children with words that focus on their hard work and dedication, not their innate skills. In fact, studies show that children who are told repeatedly that they are “smart” are less likely to choose challenging tasks that might make them not seem smart. On the other hand, children whose success is attributed to hard work and practice are more likely to accept a more challenging task. I know, with my own kids, I have been guilty of using the “innate” type of praise, but I am going to intentionally work to focus on “growth mindset” praise in the future. Our counselors at camp also focus on this type of praise. When kids know that they can practice at something to improve, they are a lot more optimistic about working at something difficult.

Acts of Kindness

Helping others makes people happy. It feels good to share, to give, and to be kind to others. At camp, we encourage campers to do kind things for each other. We recognize “GAC Spirit” daily at our assemblies, and kindness to others is one of the key spirit elements. Each day, we announce some of the acts of kindness that went on the day before. Counselors discuss ideas with campers and encourage them to think about kindness. Why not recognize "Family Spirit" by talking about nice things your kids have done for others?

I hope the happiness habits we practice at camp will help campers be happier both in and out of camp. And, I hope you can use some of these ideas at home!

Resources: Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents , Christine Carter; “The Dramatic Rise of Anxiety and Depression in Children and Adolescents,” Peter Gray, Psychology Today (online), January 26, 2010. Raising Happiness blog.

Catching Kids Doing the Right Thing

2010-06-25T12:29:00.000-07:00

Often, parents and teachers spend a lot of time focused on what they don’t want their child to be doing, instead of on what they do want them to be doing. At GAC, we train our counselors in positive behavior management techniques. Since staff training is fresh in my mind, I thought I’d share with camp parents three of the concepts we teach our counselors about working with kids.

“Catch Them Doing Something Right”
One key concept we focus on is “Catching them doing something right.” Instead of looking for what a camper is doing incorrectly, we focus immediately on what they are doing well. When kids realize that you will notice the good stuff they do, they are encouraged to do more of the desired, good behaviors. A side benefit is that other campers see that you notice good behavior and are encouraged to do the same. If most of the cabin group is doing something you don’t want them to be doing, it’s better to compliment and point out the kids who are doing what you like than to nag at the rest of them. So, instead of “Stop messing around and get your shoes on for breakfast,” a counselor might say, “Hey, great job getting your shoes on the first time I asked, Joe and Sam.” Everyone else hears your compliment and are encouraged to get moving (and perhaps listen the first time you ask next time)!
At home, my favorite example of this is “Great job having your napkin in your lap, Owen.” By complimenting one child, the rest are immediately reminded to do what you complimented on.

Refrain from using “Don’t” and “No”
In phrasing rules and instructions at GAC, we refrain from using “don’t” and “no” whenever possible. Whatever follows “don’t” or “no” is something we don’t want campers to be doing and is often the only part of the sentence they hear. It’s much more effective to let campers know what we DO want them doing. On a ski boat, our instructors will say, “Keep your hands inside the boat,” instead of “Don’t put your hand outside the boat.”

The 80-20 Rule
When discussing an inappropriate or negative behavior with a camper, we train our counselors in the 80-20 rule. Our counselors know that in a conversation with a camper about a behavioral issue, it’s best to do only 20% of the talking. The camper, in turn, does 80% of the talking while the counselor listens. We want campers to figure out the impact their behavior had on others and determine their own plan for improvement. So, we ask open-ended questions, such as:
“How do you think your language affects the other kids in our group?”
“How would you feel if someone called you that name?”
“What can you do differently next time when you’re angry?”
When the camper thinks through and comes up with their own improvement plan, they have ownership in it and are much more likely to be successful. Plus, the counselor can then compliment them on their great idea for improvement and the conversation can have a positive tone and focus.

These are just a few of the many techniques we train our counselors to utilize at camp. I think they can be extremely helpful for parents to use at home, too!

The Blessing of the Least Favorite Activity

2010-05-31T21:23:00.000-07:00

Wendy Mogel's best selling book, The Blessing of a Skinned Knee, resonated with me.   I can relate much of her message to camp and to my own family.   I heard Dr. Mogel speak at a camp conference several years ago, and she continues to be active in the camp community. Many of our camp parents have heard her speak at school parenting events or have read her book.   If you haven't had a chance to read The Blessing of a Skinned Knee, I highly recommend it. In addition to sharing about the importance of letting our kids take healthy risks, and not always rescuing them from failure, Mogel gives many other valuable insights. She has recognized the value of camp experiences in the development of emotionally healthy kids, as you can read in the article "Camp Blessings" on her website.

A question I often get asked, especially by kids who haven't yet been to GAC, is "What if I don't want to do an activity?" Sometimes it starts with a statement, "I don't like horses. Do I have to do that activity?"

My short answer is, "You won't be forced to do any activities, but you will still go with your group, and you will be encouraged to try."

I think there are three main reasons kids don't want to do a particular activity, and they are the same reasons why adults often choose to forgo some recreational options:

(1) A previous negative experience with the activity, usually not at camp and not with experienced instructors. Falling off a horse, being dragged behind a ski boat and not getting up, or getting lost on a hike are all examples of negative experiences that make a person naturally inclined not to want to try again.

(2) Fear! Fear of being humiliated. Fear of failure. Fear of heights. Fear of deep lake water. Fear of rocks. Fear of going to the bathroom in the woods. Fear of getting hurt. The list goes on and on.

(3) Finally, another reason kids don't want to try an activity is because, based on their perception of themselves or their past successes/failures, they think they won't like it. It's not in their normal repertoire of things they like and/or are good at.

I'm sure there are other reasons for kids to not want to do an activity, but these are three that readily come to mind from what campers have told me over the years. Interestingly, the reasons kids don't want to do an activity are the very reason trying the activity may be the best thing that happens at camp for that camper.

If a child doesn't want to do an activity because of a previous negative activity, trying it at camp could lead to either a changed mind (and a new activity they like), or, at the very least, a not-as-negative experience to remember.

If a camper doesn't want to do an activity because of fear, then trying the activity could be the most life-changing event that occurs for that camper during their camp stay.   Overcoming fears and challenging oneself to attempt something that seems impossible can lead to great feelings of accomplishment and improved confidence. With the support and encouragement from cabin mates and counselors, campers feel on top of the world after successfully trying something they feared. For the camper with a fear of heights, climbing half-way up the ladder on the high ropes course will be celebrated as a huge accomplishment, and one that can make him/her proud.    This is an example of something hard that leads to something good, a theme that Dr. Mogel stresses. The camp environment offers a supportive place for kids to learn how to overcome fears and accomplish things they didn't think were possible.

If a camper doesn't want to do an activity because they don't think they'll like it based on their preferences or perception of themselves, trying something different offers an opportunity for expanded confidence. A camper who sees himself as non-athletic and more adept at target sports may shy away from the more physical activities, yet trying and accomplishing them could change his perception of himself in a positive way. A camper who likes shopping and clothes and sees herself as not an "outdoorsy" kind of person may dread going on a backpacking trip. Yet, the experience of cooking and sleeping outdoors could lead to an expanded view of herself and an appreciation for the many different facets of a personality.    Sometimes, the activity a camper thought would be their least favorite becomes a favorite!

So, when a camper tells us all the reasons why they "don't want to" or "can't" do an activity this summer, we will continue to encourage them to "give it a try," because we know the hidden blessings in the least favorite activity.

Raising Optimistic Kids

2010-05-20T08:19:00.000-07:00

One way to help your children develop Realistic Optimism is to help them notice the good in the world around them.

Karen Reivich, Ph.D.

In raising kids, much of our focus as parents is on their education. We want them to do well in school so that they will have opportunities and eventually be able to lead productive lives as adults. But developing their intellects is just one piece of helping our children grow into happy, healthy adults. In the recent documentary movie, "The Race to Nowhere," a spotlight was placed on our culture's focus on achievement over happiness and the devastating effects this focus is having on our children's mental and emotional health. One way to combat the ultra-competitive culture and stress we and our kids face daily is to "stop and smell the roses." I believe getting outside in nature is a great way to combat worries, bad news, hectic schedules, and the stress that can permeate our lives. Teaching our kids optimism starts with working on being optimistic ourselves. Pointing out a beautiful sunset, taking a walk at dusk, going on a family bike ride, and looking at the stars are just a few ideas of how we as parents can steer our kids towards noticing the beauty and good that is in the world. If you want to read more about raising optimistic kids, I encourage you to visit the "Fishful Thinking" website: "Fishful Thinking" Optimism Articles.

A Great Resource for Camp Parents

2010-05-15T08:10:00.000-07:00

The American Camp Association's website for camp parents is www.campparents.org. Many of the articles are great resources for parents and will help you articulate to non-camp parents the reasons why you send your child to camp. The Power of Play is an article about David Elkind's keynote address at the ACA National Conference in 2007. It offers a great reminder to all of us about how important it is for our children to have free, unstructured play time! If you have time, I encourage you to visit the site and see why sending your child to camp is such a great gift!

The Power of Camp

2010-05-12T16:01:00.000-07:00

Gold Arrow Camp took my city kid, who could barely ride a bike, and returned a sailing, camping, climbing, in love with the outdoors young man.

My daughter is more confident, independent and fearless than ever before. And she is more conscientious. She is now cleaning up after herself and truly helping around the house in a way that the nagging in the world can't achieve.

-Gold Arrow Parents, 2009

Allowing your child to have a Gold Arrow Camp experience is a gift that has positive, life-long benefits beyond learning how to sail or rock climb.

A Taste of Independence
Being super-involved with our children and always being in constant communication with them has become something modern parents brag about. But when do we start letting go and giving our kids a chance to feel independent from us? With cell phones attached at our (and their) hips, our children are in constant communication with us. Forgot their lunch? A friend says something mean? Stubbed their toe? We know right away and swoop in to rescue them.

Intuitively, we know that it’s better to let our kids deal with consequences from their mistakes, face some problems on their own, and get through the day without us, but it’s SO HARD to let them.
We feel fortunate to have a close relationship with our child and we don’t want to jeopardize that relationship by turning off our phone or saying “no.” It’s difficult to let them face a problem or bad day at school on their own. Unfortunately, we are setting our kids up for much more difficulty later in life if we don’t start letting them have some independence when they are younger.

Camp experiences at younger ages may help children adjust to later independent experiences, including college. A Stanford Magazine (May/June, 2009) article called “Students on the Edge” published results of research on the psychological health of current University students:

“Unlike previous generations, young people often speak with their parents several times a day. And while family closeness is usually a positive force, it can come with a downside. Administrators at Stanford and elsewhere describe a level of parental involvement that often limits choices and has altered the cultural norms of college life. That includes parents who insist on choosing their child’s area of study and then show up to negotiate his or her salary after graduation.”

Sleep away camps, especially those that do not allow cell phones and phone calls, offer a great opportunity for kids to develop independence in a supportive, safe setting away from their parents. Some parents today think that it’s a comforting thought that their child may end up living with them, or at least calling every day, well into adulthood. Most of us know, however, that when you truly love your children and want the best for them, you need to give them more freedom, responsibilities, and independence as they grow through their different stages of childhood and into adulthood.

These words of a first-time sleep away camp parent are especially poignant:
“My shy, quiet nine year old went to camp not knowing a soul. Two weeks later, my daughter came home transformed. She blossomed, she made friends, learned a multitude of activities, felt safe, loved, confident, and happy, really happy. As hard as it was on me, it was all worth it for her. I know this is the single best thing I have ever done for her.”

First time camp experiences are much harder on parents than they are on kids. The relief parents feel when they see their child after a camp stay is palpable, and the amazement at their child’s growth is an equally strong emotion. The independence kids experience at camp can open their eyes to many new dreams and opportunities, and may lead to them feeling more confident about pursuing schools, travels, and adventures further from home. Although it’s hard to let kids go, the words of singer Mark Harris sum up what most parents dream of for their children:
“It’s not living if you don’t reach for the sky. I’ll have tears as you take off, but I’ll cheer you as you fly.”

Kids Don’t Learn this at School

So much of our focus as parents is on making sure our children get a good education, but schools can’t equip our kids with all of the skills they need to be happy, successful adults. Besides independence, camps also focus on modeling and teaching other important life skills.

Here are some of the life skills campers say they learn at camp:
“I learned…
… to be responsible.”
…I could do more than I thought, and I grew up a lot in two weeks.”
…better leadership skills.”
…different ways to get along with other campers.”
…Believe in yourself. And try everything.”
…how to interact with people better.”
…to set a goal and achieve it.”
…to face my fears and to just always have a good time.”
…Approach someone. Don’t wait for them to approach you.”
…to work as a team.”
…to enjoy the present, instead of worrying about the future.”
…when you voice an opinion, people listen.
…what good friends are.”
…you never back down, and try your hardest.”
…if you stay positive, you’ll have fun no matter what you do.”

There are so many skills and values we teach our kids, but some are best learned hands-on, living and playing with others. Camp offers the unique opportunity to learn and practice skills that can improve the quality of our kids’ lives.

Experience Nature: Fighting NDD and EA

“Nature Deficit Disorder” (NDD), coined by Richard Louv, and “Electronics Addiction” (coined by yours truly and others) can both be combated by a camp experience. When was the last time your kid hiked through the woods or got a mosquito bite? For that matter, when was the last time your child took out their headphones or turned off their cell phone? In Lenore Skenazy’s book, Free Range Kids, she elaborates on how we have somehow skewed parenting into something resembling packing our kids in bubble wrap and avoiding all experiences in order to avoid any negative ones. We live in fear of all the “what ifs” and end up not allowing our children any freedom. Electronics fill in the gap nicely. In Richard Louv’s book Last Child in the Woods, he talks about what our kids are missing out on from not being exposed to nature. He coined the term “Nature Deficit Disorder” to refer to a generation of kids who may never experience nature because it’s too “scary” or foreign to them. He predicts they will grow into adults who prefer staying inside with their TVs, computers, and other electronics.

Most camps have “electronics free” policies and don’t allow campers to bring electronic games, cell phones, computers, etc. While disconnecting from technology, campers learn to relate better to other people, face to face, without headphones on or a cell phone in hand. This break from electronics is great for kids, as they quickly learn that they can get by without them. In this technology-crazed world, camp is one of the few remaining bastions of freedom from electronics.

Gone are the days when kids spent hours playing unsupervised in the fresh air, making up games, finding bugs, and just being kids. Instead, childhood activities are mostly structured and adult-supervised. Play dates are organized by parents and almost never spontaneous. While camp activities are supervised, kids still get an enormous amount of exposure to nature, a sense of freedom, and a chance to make new friends. For many first-time campers, camp is their first chance to sleep outdoors, gain a love for recreational activities ranging from archery to sailing, and see what the stars look like away from city lights. The love and respect for nature that camp experiences foster in our kids may ensure that they grow up to be adults who care what happens to their world. And who get off their computers and go outside once in a while.

Camp: A Much-Needed Break from Cell Phones

2010-05-03T11:12:00.000-07:00

One of the biggest benefits of coming to camp is the opportunity for campers to be independent from their parents for a short period of time. Most children today are accustomed to having the ability to immediately be in contact with their parents. Cell phones are a great convenience when you’re trying to figure out when and where to pick up your child and to touch base with them during the day. Camp is, for most kids, the ONLY time of year when they handle issues directly with their peers and counselors and can’t talk to their parents first.
It’s a great thing to see kids getting to know other campers and connecting with them. For first year campers, it’s a huge boost to their confidence to realize they can be successful at camp, without their parents. Being able to call mom or dad changes the dynamics of the camp experience. Instead of engaging with the people at camp, the camper is staying connected to their parents and not gaining the valuable independence that a camp experience provides.

The break from electronics that camp provides is also one of the most unique things about our environment. Here at camp, we sit around campfires talking with each other. There are not video games, computers, or cell phones getting in the way of building relationships with the people we are with. In addition to the wonderful quiet of not hearing cell phones going off, the break from technology helps kids appreciate the beauty and sounds of nature without interruption. After a few days, most of us don’t miss our cell phones at all!

What message does having your child “sneak” a cell phone to camp send your child? One message it may convey is that you are not sure your child will be safe at camp or be able to turn to their counselor (or another staff person) if they need help. If you choose to send your child to camp, you and your child both need to feel comfortable with the camp’s staff and leadership. You need to trust that your child’s needs will be met at camp – whether they are physical, social, or emotional. When your child knows that you are confident, they will in turn be more confident in the experience. It undermines our ability to help support your child in their experience if your camper doesn’t feel comfortable coming to us.

Communication with your child and knowing how your child is doing are both very important. We encourage you to write lots of letters and send emails to your child at camp. If you have any concerns about your child or their experience, please call us right away. We will contact you if we have any concerns about your child, or if your child comes to us with any issues. We will also encourage your camper to write you letters while they are here. Thank you for your support in keeping GAC cell phone free!

Hand Written Letters: A Lost Art?

2010-04-24T14:59:00.000-07:00

This week I’ve been going through the many boxes of letters, photos, and memorabilia which I have collected over my first four decades. It’s been a time-consuming task, but I’m trying to organize into a smaller number of boxes what has been accumulated over the first half of my life. What has struck me most is the huge number of letters I amassed from my childhood, high school, and college friends. Until this week, I didn’t remember how much we corresponded, but I just finished going through hundreds of letters. I now have proof of the many friendships that were solidified over hours of writing to one another.
Of course, I mostly have the ones written to me, but I can assume from the “Thanks for your letter”s that I was writing at the same rate as my friends were. Maybe some of my letters are in a box out there somewhere?

Not only was there a huge volume of letters (see picture), some of the letters were ten pages long, with tiny writing. Others were short notes or fun greeting cards. Most of them were in beautiful, cursive writing, even some from boys! What an amazing thing to think about. Back then, without the distractions we all have today, we had TIME to write letters like that! Plus, we enjoyed it, and were good at it! We wrote letters, because often long distance phone calls were too expensive. Many of us traveled and studied overseas, so the letters chronicle our trips.

Of course, the process of trying to get rid of most of this paper required that I at least skim through each one. I pulled out many that I simply can’t bear to throw away. I found letters from my late grandparents, with their words of wisdom. I found letters my parents had written to me over the years. I also found letters from friends showing major teen angst, which is a good reminder now that I have teens of my own. We weren’t that different back then after all! It’s just that we didn’t splash our anger and sadness at each other on Facebook. We wrote each other heart-felt notes.

One thing I realized is that my kids will not have a big box of letters like mine. They don’t write letters like we did in the pre-computer, pre-email, pre-social networking, pre-cell phone era. But then I had a revelation! They DO still get to send and receive letters. It’s when they’re at camp! I have told parents how much campers enjoy getting “real” mail while at camp (the kind with a stamp), but now I have realized another benefit – they will have these letters as keepsakes and memories of their childhood. And you, as parents, most definitely should save all of the letters you get from your camper!

Among my box, I came across a postcard I sent to my parents in 1977, when I was a camper at Gold Arrow Camp. This is what it said, in my very careful, 10-year-old cursive:
“Dear Mommy,
I think it’s mean that you have to write a letter to get into dinner, but I’m glad to write a letter to you because I love you. It’s been raining since we got here. But we still went horseback riding. I wrote a letter to daddy this morning and sent it. Camp is so fun. I can’t wait to tell you. My counslers name is Liz. She’s nice.
Love, Audrey”

Let me tell you, we have gotten some good laughs in our house over this postcard. Not just about how I spelled “counselor,” but about my comment about the “Mail Meal” (dinners on Wednesday and Sunday that you need to have a letter or postcard home as your ticket in). The dreaded “Mail Meal” has been a camp tradition for as long as anyone can remember, but I didn’t even remember thinking it was a bad thing. My adult view is much different than my ten year old one! I now understand how much parents need those letters. I hope most kids get beyond the “I have to write this letter” part, and share some of their feelings and memories of camp. The resulting memorabilia will be priceless.

So, here’s to another benefit of camp I’ve only this week realized. We have the chance for our kids to experience the (almost) lost art of writing and receiving hand written letters. And you, as a parent, have a chance to write down words that your child will be able to read and keep long beyond any email you've sent them!

Ready for Camp?

2010-04-19T18:47:00.000-07:00

Many parents ask me if their child is "ready for camp" yet. Bob Ditter is a clinical social worker who works closely with camps, camp staff, camp parents, and campers. We recently attended some of his training sessions at the American Camp Association Spring Leadership Conference (see picture of GAC staff with Bob). Bob has compiled this questionnaire to help parents assess their child's readiness for camp.
While I have seen many kindergarten readiness questionnaires, I have never seen a camp readiness one, and I thought this was worth passing along.

While not all answers need to be "yes" in order for your child to be "ready" for camp, it is important that most answers are "yes." Any areas that are a "no" for your child should be clarified with us so that we can determine if Gold Arrow is a good fit for him/her. Knowing skills your child is still working on can help us ensure a successful camp experience!

This list is presented with the permission of Bob Ditter.

Ready, Set, Go!
Five Areas of “Readiness for Camp!”

Self-Care Habits
Your child is able to choose and put on his/her own clothes.
Your child is able to brush their teeth without a lot of prompting.
Your child washes up or gets clean without a lot of prompting.
Your child has taken a shower on their own.
Your child generally sleeps through the night.
Your child does not usually have severe nightmares.
Your child rarely wets him or herself at night or during the day.
Your child agreeably wears clothing that fits the weather.
Your child can ask for help around self-care issues (dressing,
eating, bathroom care, showering, etc.)

Family Relationships

Is your child able to ask for help from you or another significant adult in his or her life when he or she has a problem at home or in school?
Does your child usually obey your requests and follow rules in your household?
Does your child have a positive, nurturing relationship with at least one grandparent?
Has your child successfully slept over at a relatives’ house?

Friendships/Social Relationships

Does your child have a best friend?
Does your child make and get phone calls from kids his/her age?
Does your child get invited to play dates?
Does your child get invited to birthday parties/Bar and Bat Mitzvahs?
Has your child successfully slept over at a friend’s house?
Has your child had any friends sleep over at your house?
Do other children want to come to your child’s birthday parties?
Does your child play primarily with children the same age as him/herself?
Does your child share control of the play when he/she is with other children (the choices of games/the conversation/rules)?

School/ Activities

Does your child go to school with reasonable ease?
Does your child do reasonably well academically?
Does your child have friends in school?
Does your child follow school rules/comply with discipline?
Overall, is your child happy at school?
If your child on an Individualized Education Plan (IEP), does he or she participate reasonably well with its provisions?

Overall Psychological Health

Does your child recover from setbacks reasonably well?
Is your child able to express his or her feelings or concerns in words reasonably well?
When your child is upset does he or she eventually ask for and accept help?
Does your child eventually accept discipline reasonably well?
If your child has a problem has he or she been able to collaborate on problem-solving with a trusted adult in his or her life?
Overall, is your child reasonably happy?

Special note about activities at some camps:
If the camp your child is considering has special program features like tripping, hiking, rock-climbing, horseback riding, endurance swimming or other activities that might require being in good physical shape, make sure to discuss thoroughly with the camp’s directors.

Bob Ditter, M.Ed., LCSW
Boston, Massachusetts
www.bobditter.com

Camp: One Solution to Parenting Challenges

2010-03-16T15:31:00.000-07:00

• Too much screen time, not enough outside time.

• Helping kids become independent adults.

• Everything's a competition.

• Good friends are hard to find.

In today's digital, fast-moving, ultra-competitive world, raising kids who grow into healthy, happy, well-adjusted, independent adults has become more challenging for parents. Gold Arrow Camp offers a traditional camp experience which many parents have found to benefit their child's development of important life skills. In partnership with parents who are focused on their child's healthy development, Gold Arrow Camp offers a positive, child-focused outdoor camp program that counteracts some of the negative experiences children are facing in school, sports, social life, and cyber space.

Gold Arrow Camp took my city kid, who could barely ride a bike, and returned a sailing, camping, climbing, in love with the outdoors young man.

Jennifer Lansing

Chicago, Illinois

Parenting Challenge #1: Too Much Screen Time, Not Enough Outside Time

     In our increasingly digital world, children are spending less time outside and more time in front of screens. The negative impact of our digital lifestyle is evident in kids' expanding waistlines and lack of interest in being outdoors. Whether texting, communicating on Facebook, or watching TV, our children are being inundated with digital input. The attraction of the media is hard to resist, so most of us (including parents) simply succumb to having the near constant presence of our electronics. Many of us find it hard to drag ourselves away from our laptops and cell phones, and often our schedules and lifestyle don't allow for adequate time to just be outside and enjoy our natural surroundings. Richard Louv coined the term "Nature Deficit Disorder" in his book Last Child in the Woods to describe the alarming trend of children spending less and less time outdoors. Whether due to sensational media accounts of lost hikers that have fanned parental fears, or simply a lack of time in over-scheduled lives, children simply aren't outside playing as much as they used to.

I learned to live without technology.
                                  -2009 Camper

   Gold Arrow Camp gives kids the experience of two weeks of electronics-free fun in a rustic, natural setting. In the heart of California's Sierra National Forest, campers sleep in large tents on wood platforms, enjoy nightly campfires, and watch the sun set over Huntington Lake. At night, campers count shooting stars and share stories with camp friends, and don't even think about their TV, video games, and cell phones!

Parenting Challenge #2: Helping Kids Become Independent Adults

Whether due to parenting trends ("helicoptering") or being so connected to our kids (both in our close relationships and via our digital leashes), children are much less independent than we were at the same age. Twenty years ago, we were babysitting infants at age 13. Now, some of us hire babysitters for our 13 year olds! Ironically, kids are experimenting with drugs, sex, and other high-risk behaviors younger than ever, possibly as a result of feeling so little independence and control in their own lives. College freshman are struggling to adjust to being away from home, and many who start school away from their parents end up back at home. Colleges have staff dedicated to orienting and communicating with parents, who are closely involved from the application process right through to job interviews post college. Many college graduates move back home and slide right into a dependent lifestyle. This "endless adolescence" just isn't natural. As a society, we are not doing a good job of launching our children into independent adult life.

My shy, quiet nine year old went to Gold Arrow Camp not knowing a soul. Two weeks later, my daughter came home transformed. She blossomed. She made friends, learned a multitude of activities, felt safe, loved, confident, and happy, really happy. As hard as it was on me, it was all worth it for her. I know this is the single best thing I have ever done for her.

Cheryl Epstein

Long Beach, CA

     Gold Arrow Camp parents understand the value of giving their children early, independent life experiences. While knowing their children are well-supervised in a safe, supportive community, parents feel great about giving their child the opportunity to have a few weeks of independence from them. Children as young as seven years old successfully complete two week camp stays and feel a great sense of pride and independence as a result. Without having their cell phone to immediately contact their parents with every question and need, kids learn to rely on themselves and seek support from their counselors and cabin mates.

Parenting Challenge #3: Everything's a Competition

     From the first conversation about whose child learned to walk or talk first, parenting today (and life in general) seems to have become one giant competition. Who's in the top reading group? Who made the "A" soccer team? Who's top of the class? Who got elected class president? Who got picked for cheer leading?
     In trying to help our kids keep up, and leave opportunities open for them, we often end up pushing too hard for our kids to do well in too many areas. Many kids are taking challenging course work at school, competing on high level sports teams with demanding practice schedules, learning a musical instrument, and being involved in clubs (to make sure they are "well rounded"). Often, finding something they are passionate about or truly enjoy goes on the back burner. With little free time to explore and try new things, many kids don't even know what they like. And, much of the time, kids feel badly because they are not the one picked for the team or deemed "the best." Most of us aren't.

Everything you do is made into fun. There is no competitiveness. There is this sense that I am able to let my kids experience some of what it was like to grow up in safer, less congested, slower times, where they have independence and low-tech fun.

Stephanie Kaufman

Pacific Palisades

Gold Arrow Camp offers kids the unique opportunity to relax and have fun in a non-competitive environment. All of the camp programs are recreational activities where campers support each other to improve their individual skills. Whether cheering each other on to get up on water skis or a wake board, or learning to skipper a sailboat together, Camp is all about enjoying life, learning new outdoor skills, and enjoying the company of friends.

Parenting Challenge #4: Good Friends are Hard to Find

    We all want our children to be happy and find good friends, but it's often not as easy as it seems. With kids competing for the same spots on teams, and eventually the same spots in colleges, many friendships become competitive. Some children simply don't have time to spend building strong one-on-one relationships. Often, time spent with friends is in a very structured settings. Some kids are shy, socially awkward, or get bullied at school or online.

I learned how to be a good friend and how to be social and outgoing.
                                                                                       -2009 Camper

     At Gold Arrow Camp, our focus is on building community and helping campers develop close friendships. Campers are assigned to cabin groups of 8-10 similar-aged kids. Two counselors serve as cabin leaders and help campers get to know each other. Team building games at the start of camp, similar to what corporations use to build teamwork, are used to help foster good communication and teamwork. Gold Arrow Camp is unique in that we have a structured camp program, which differs from the "free choice" programs most camps offer. While "free choice" sounds good on the surface, it requires campers to individually sign up for activities. With our structured program, campers do activities as a group and do not have the pressure of finding kids to sign up for activities with or trying new activities for the first time without the support of cabin mates and their counselor. Many kids at "free choice" camps simply choose not to try things they haven't done before, for fear of embarrassing themselves. At Gold Arrow, all of our campers try everything in a supportive, group setting. Through all of their shared experiences, they form close bonds with their camp friends.

Food Allergies in Kids

2010-02-24T12:19:00.000-08:00

In the past decade, we have seen an increasing number of kids with food allergies at camp. We take each allergy seriously and make sure that our kitchen staff and counselors are aware of foods the camper needs to avoid. Some food allergies are life-threatening, but many are reported as being mild.

This blog offers an interesting discussion about diagnosis (and possible mis-diagnosis) of food allergies in children:
http://freerangekids.wordpress.com/2010/02/23/wow-many-kids-possibly-mis-diagnosed-as-allergic/

I am especially curious about the relationship between allergic reactions on skin tests or allergies shown via a blood test, versus reactions to actually ingesting foods. If anyone has more information about research on this topic, please let me know!

"Kidsickness": Help for First-Time Camp Parents

2010-02-24T12:05:00.000-08:00

When a child goes to resident camp for the first time, a lot of talk revolves around homesickness, the common term for the well-known phenomenon of missing home and parents. Much has been discussed in camp literature about the prevention and treatment of homesickness. Counselors are trained to help campers adjust to camp life and learn coping skills. What has not been addressed much is the emotional toll a first-time camp experience takes on parents. In most cases, the experience is harder on parents than it is on their child. First-time campers find themselves in a fun, exciting environment. They have little time to miss home when they are meeting new friends, experiencing great activities, and having the time of their lives. Parents, on the other hand, are often at home missing their child, worrying about how they are doing, and figuring out how to fill time that is normally spent focused on caring for their child. "Kidsickness" is my term that refers to the emotions some parents feel when they experience their first long separation from their child, which often is a stay at a traditional summer camp.
Some parents adjust easily to having their child away, while others struggle with sadness and anxiety while their child is at camp. Here are a few helpful tips for first-time camp parents to help fight off "kidsickness":

Keep In Touch

While your child is at camp, you'll be able to view daily photos and news from camp at www.goldarrowcamp.com in the parent login area. This is a great way for you to see what is going on at camp, and it may help you relax to see your child and other campers having fun. It's also reassuring to know what your child is doing at camp. When you write them letters and emails, you can mention things you see going on at camp, such as special events, activities, and outpost trips.

One special thing about camp is that it is one of the only places where children and parents exchange hand-written letters. Campers love receiving letters and postcards from home, so be sure to keep a steady stream of mail coming to your camper. Let friends and relatives know your camper's address at camp, so they can send mail, too! While it is difficult for parents to go for two weeks without hearing your child's voice on the phone, remember that the independence your child is gaining is invaluable. Letters you receive from your child while they are at camp may be some of the only written memories you will have from their childhood. Save them!

Remember the Benefits

"My shy, quiet nine year old went to Gold Arrow Camp not knowing a soul. Two weeks later, she came home transformed. She blossomed. She made friends, learned a multitude of new activities, felt safe, loved, confident, and happy, really, really happy. As hard as it was on me, it was all worth it for her. It was the single best thing I have ever done for her."

-First-Time Gold Arrow Camp Parent

Why did you decide to send your child to camp in the first place? Remembering the many benefits your child will gain from the experience will make the separation easier and remind you of the gift you are giving your child by allowing them to have this experience:

• Independence: The chance to build confidence in their ability to be away from parents.

• Break from electronics: The opportunity to live electronics-free and focus on building face-to-face relationship skills.

• Fun and Relaxation: Two weeks of non-competitive fun, and much-needed break from the stresses of school, competitive sports, and busy schedules.

• Friends: New friends campers make at camp often become year-round, life-long friends. Campers meet kids outside of their own school and city.

Stay Busy While Your Child is at Camp and Take Care of Yourself

Many parents spend their child's first camp session glued to their computer, waiting for photos to be uploaded. While we encourage you to check the photos regularly, we also encourage you to take your child's camp time to have some quality experiences for yourself. While your child is at camp, it's a great time to do projects and trips that are not kid-friendly. Take the time to treat yourself to some fun, friends, and growth while your child is doing the same at Camp!

"Race to Nowhere"

2010-01-27T10:30:00.000-08:00

After seeing their website and watching the film trailer, I am going to see the film Race to Nowhere at the first opportunity I get. I think the message of this film is one all parents, educators, and people who work with kids need to hear. Our kids need more chances for relaxation and fun and not this constant pressure to be productive, get high grades, and be super athletes. If our goal is to have happy, well-adjusted kids who grow into happy, well-adjusted adults, then we can't follow our culture's current norms.

These "tips for parents" seem really basic, but I think are worth passing along as we try to help our children be less stressed and happier:
http://www.racetonowhere.com/parents

Any other ideas that have helped in your family? Please share your comments!

To see the movie trailer, click here.

The Movement against "Over-Parenting"

2010-01-22T21:05:00.000-08:00

“The insurgency goes by many names — slow parenting, simplicity parenting, free-range parenting — but the message is the same: Less is more; hovering is dangerous; failure is fruitful. You really want your children to succeed? Learn when to leave them alone. When you lighten up, they'll fly higher. We're often the ones who hold them down.”
-Nancy Gibbs, “The Case Against Over-Parenting,” Time Magazine, November 30, 2009

I couldn’t resist picking up the Time magazine with the cover showing a kid with puppet strings and the title “The Case Against Over-Parenting.” I knew this was something I needed to read. I had never heard the term “Over-Parenting” before, but I knew right away what it was, because I often find myself saying and doing things for my kids that I KNOW are too much.

Click to read the article: “The Case Against Over-Parenting” by Nancy Gibbs.

The article led me to start my research on this new “insurgency.” I started with Lenore Skenazy’s book Free-Range Kids: Giving Our Children the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts with Worry.   I had many “ah ha” moments reading Skenazy’s book.
Although she herself wrote a parenting book, hers is not one that prescribes a “correct” way to parent. In fact, Skenazy advises us not to read parenting books but instead consult with experienced, trusted family members and friends, just like people did before there was an entire parenting section in Barnes and Noble. This resonated with me.

Skenazy points out some interesting statistics and facts about parental fear, changed perceptions of what kids are able to do, and tips for breaking free of some of the current “over-parenting” (aka “helicopter”) trends. Skenazy addresses parents’ worst fears, including that our child might be abducted and/or murdered. She points out that, despite what we all think, statistically speaking “there is no need to feel that times now are less safe” than when we grew up in the seventies and eighties.

So why do we keep telling each other, “it’s just not like when we were kids?”   Skenazy thinks that many things have contributed to the change in how parents view supervision of their children, but that the graphic, violent TV shows (a la “Law and Order” and “CSI”) we’ve been exposed to (which would not have even been allowed on TV when we were kids) have contributed to the problem.   They’ve filled our heads with images of unspeakable horrors, and, although we know they are fictional, our imaginations can quickly jump to these horrors happening to our own children.

One afternoon when my daughter Charlotte was seven years old, I was waiting at the bus stop for her to get back from school.   When she didn’t get off the bus, I asked the other kids where she was. They hadn’t seen her. My mind quickly went to where many mom’s minds go when they think they’ve lost their child, “Someone has grabbed my beautiful, 62 pound girl and taken her away.” I panicked, called the school, drove to school, and waited while the office staff tracked Charlotte down on another bus.

Charlotte had missed her bus and gotten on another bus and asked the bus driver to drop her at home. If, like in my childhood, I had been waiting at home for Charlotte, I would never have even known that she wasn’t on her regular bus. She would have gotten herself home just fine. Reading Skenazy’s book opened my eyes to the fact that stranger abduction is extremely rare, and that it is NOT what we should be worried about. We should be teaching our kids to act confident, be safe, and be discerning about people.   Then we should worry about the real dangers for kids, which are getting in a car accidents and drowning in a backyard pools, and take necessary safety precautions.

There were many nuggets of wisdom in Skenazy’s book. Here’s one that, as a camp director and believer in the value of getting kids outside, stood out to me:

“Childhood is supposed to be about discovering the world, not being held captive. It’s not about having the world pointed out to you by a DVD or video game or by your mom as you drive by. “See, honey? That’s called a ‘forest.” Can you spell forest?”

How independent do we want our kids to be?

2010-01-14T11:13:00.000-08:00

In the July/August, 2008, issue of Stanford Magazine, one of the most interesting articles was one that showed survey answers of the graduating seniors from the class of 2008. The question and answer that drew my attention was, “How often are you in touch with your parents (by phone or electronic means)?” 6.1% responded with “More than once per day, and 18.9% responded with “Daily.”
I am fairly certain that the parents of these graduating seniors did not talk to their own parents daily during their college years.
They probably attended college in the 1970s and 1980s, the pre-cell phone and pre-helicopter parenting decades. Part of the reason for the change in communication patterns is the amazing technology we now have, which allows us to stay connected much more easily. Twenty-five years ago, phone calls were much more inconvenient and expensive. Often, there was a line at the payphone in the dorm hall. And I think parents viewed college as the start of children’s adult lives. They were essentially “done” being parents, ready to be “empty nesters” who looked forward to traveling or pursuing other hobbies after launching their children into the world. From what I hear, today’s college parents are much more involved with their children, even contacting professors directly to discuss their child’s grades!

Thinking about my own college years during the 1980s, I don’t know exactly how often I spoke with my parents. My best guess is that I touched base with them about once every week or two. Sometimes I’d get busy or they’d be on a trip, and it might be closer to once per month. When I studied overseas in France for six months, I spoke with them infrequently. No matter what the exact number of phone calls, I am certain that we didn’t talk daily. I had a close relationship with my parents and still do, yet I enjoyed the independence of being at college, away from them. I don’t think they felt offended by my infrequent phone calls. In fact, I think they were proud of my independence.

I wonder now: What’s a healthy amount of talking between parents and their college-age kids? How often do I want my own children to call me once they’re in college? What about when they’re adults beyond college? I know I will look forward to hearing from them and knowing about their lives, and I want to stay involved. I know I’ll feel honored if they ask for my advice and opinion. A daily call might stroke my ego and make me feel very important. But, is that what’s best for them?

I think some parents would feel proud to be in the 25% that got daily (or more) calls and emails from their college student. Their child’s connection to them might confirm their belief about what great parents they are. But, maybe the connection also says something else. Maybe their child’s need to check in with them and get daily input and advice is an indication that they didn’t raise their children to be independent enough as adults. Common parenting logic says that the teen years are a time to slowly loosen the reigns and give your child more and more independence and responsibilities. The hope is that, once launched into the “real” world, your child will be competent to take on common tasks (such as laundry, cleaning, and cooking) as well as make good choices and decisions without parental rules.

Why is our children’s independence so important? I think independence is what allows people to spread their wings and do things like study overseas, take a job across the country, meet people outside their normal circle, and experience more of life’s adventures. Kids (and adults) who fear being separated from their parents may make different choices than those who are more independent. I think independence is a good thing, and I’d like my own children to be independent young adults.

What can we do as parents to foster our kids’ independence? For young children, allowing them to attend summer camp is one way to start fostering independence from parents at a young age. I’ve been brainstorming other ideas that can help foster my children's independence. When my child asks for my advice, instead of jumping in with all of my own ideas, I think I’ll ask them what they think. Maybe I can help them problem solve on their own rather than jumping in with my motherly advice right away. What about appointments? My oldest two children are in high school. Once my oldest starts driving (later this month!), I’ll have her make her own appointments (hair, dentist, etc.) so she can get used to managing her calendar and taking care of herself. I am certain there are many things we as parents can do to foster our children’s independence. I’d love to hear your ideas in the comment here!

Great Parents Send their Kids to Camp

2010-01-06T22:47:00.000-08:00

“You’re sending Sophia to camp for TWO WEEKS?”

Shock is a common response camp parents get when discussing camp plans with other parents. Some people even infer that they are “bad parents” to allow their children out from under their supervision. In this “helicopter” parenting age, the thought of allowing an eight year old to go away to camp for two weeks is incomprehensible to people who don’t understand the value of camp. What these “non-camp” parents don’t understand is that allowing your child a camp experience is a gift that has positive, life-long benefits beyond learning how to sail or rock climb. Camp parents aren’t bad parents who “send their children away.” Instead, they are great parents who let their children spread their wings.

Here are some of our 2008 campers’ responses to the question, “What did you learn at camp?”
“It was so much fun, and I learned to be responsible.”
“I learned I could do more than I thought, and I grew up a lot in two weeks.”
“Better leadership skills.”
“I learned different ways to get along with other campers.”
“I belonged here. I found myself.”
“Believe in yourself. And try everything.”
“I became more outgoing.”
“I learned how to interact with people better.”
“Set a goal and achieve it.”
“I really learned to face my fears and to just always have a good time.”
“Approach someone. Don’t wait for them to approach you.”
“To work as a team.”
“I got the courage to be a lot more outgoing.”
“To enjoy the present, instead of worrying about the future.”
“I learned when you voice an opinion, people listen.”
“I became more confident.”
“I learned what good friends are.”
“What I learned is that you never back down, and try your hardest.”
“I always make new friends and have so much fun.”
“That I should try new things, because chances are, it’s fun.”
“I love meeting new people and I love the outdoors and the mountains.”
“If you stay positive, you’ll have fun no matter what you do.”
“It changes me as a person A LOT!”
“I learned how to be a better person.”

While disconnecting from technology, campers learn to relate better to other people, face to face, without headphones on or a cell phone in hand. Campers experience a break from the pressures of academics, competitive sports, and overscheduled lives. One camper said about her time at camp, “I don’t go through the pressures that are in the ‘real world’.”

Gaining a love and respect for nature, experiencing fun, bonding time with others, and improved independence and responsibility skills are just a few of the many benefits of a camp experience. Further, camp experiences at younger ages may help children adjust to later experiences, such as going away to college.
Recently, a Stanford Magazine (May/June, 2009) article published results of research on the psychological health of current University students called “Students on the Edge.” Here is an excerpt: “Unlike previous generations, young people often speak with their parents several times a day. And while family closeness is usually a positive force, it can come with a downside. Administrators at Stanford and elsewhere describe a level of parental involvement that often limits choices and has altered the cultural norms of college life. That includes parents who insist on choosing their child’s area of study and then show up to negotiate his or her salary after graduation.”

As parents today, we have been told that great parenting means being super-involved with our children and always being in constant communication with them. But when does it end? There are some benefits to this parenting style, including the close family relationships we have developed. However, as the article quoted above suggests, there are downsides to our “helicopter” parenting. Primarily, our children have more difficulty developing the independence, problem solving, and decision making skills that will be crucial to their happiness and success as an adult. Camp is one antidote that many great parents choose.

Give Teens Time

2009-10-13T15:52:00.000-07:00

My oldest daughter is 14, so I was especially interested in the conversation some of our older girl campers were having when I drove them to Shaver a few days ago. I overheard one camper say, “My mom loves me but doesn’t like me.” We ended up having a good group conversation about parent and teenager relationships. I think everyone (parents and kids alike) know that the teen years can be a challenging time. I shared with the girls some insight I learned at a parenting class about teens. Often, as parents, we expect immediate compliance from our simple requests, and view our kids as being defiant if we don’t get an immediate response. A typical example is calling kids to dinner. We say, “Time for dinner!” and expect everyone to come to the table immediately. If we took out a stopwatch, most likely, after one minute (60 seconds) we would already be feeling irritated that the family has not convened. Many of us would be yelling a second request and feeling that our kids were not obeying us. What happens when we give our kids a little more time to make transitions?
Teenagers, I learned, need time to shift from one activity to the next. We don’t think about transitions as much with older kids as we do with our younger ones. Little kids, we know, need ten and five minute warnings before making a change and moving on to the next activity. We expect our older kids to be able to immediately comply with our requests and sometimes become irritated when they don’t. If you make a request, try giving your teen 3-5 minutes to comply without getting irritated with them. They may need that time to finish up what they’re doing and shift gears so that they are ready to move on to the next task. They may be finishing up a page of homework or an email to a friend. For them, they need to have closure on the task before they’re ready to move on to the next in a pleasant mood.
I tried being more patient after requests in my home this spring. Rather than repeating requests, I gave my dinner call five minutes early and didn’t repeat it. Everyone showed up, eventually, and I didn’t waste my breath on repeated requests. The teen took the longest. Although it seemed like a long time, in reality it only took 2-3 minutes for the group to come together.
I wonder how much energy we could save as parents if we gave our kids a bit more time (or an earlier warning). This simple change won't save parents from all the strife involved in parenting teens, but I think it can take some of the day-to-day stress out of our family lives. Our kids know that we love them, but I think they want to feel liked as well. They probably get the impression that we don’t like them when we seem irritated or upset with them. So, try giving your teen a little more time to comply with requests. They are not always trying to be defiant. Sometimes, they just need a few extra minutes.

Written July, 2008

Sunshine Parenting

Nurturing Babies & Big Kids, Too

Teenage Daughters

"Life Changing" Lunches

Getting Comfortable with our Children's Discomfort

Teaching Teamwork

More Optimism Tips

10. Make an Example of Yourself “The world always looks brighter from behind a smile.”~Author Unknown Smiling is another powerful tool in promoting optimism, so we practice a lot of smiling around GAC!

Raising Optimistic Kids

Making Friends at GAC

Teaching Kids Kindness

"GAC"s of Kindness

6 Things Parents of Teenagers Really Need to Know

Friends: Finding Gold in a Plastic Era

Get Unplugged!

Richard Louv's Thoughts about Camp

The Power of Camp

10 Kids Health Issues to Watch in 2011

The Gift of Childhood Memories

Print these Great Tips!

Nature Pees and Lanyard Fishing Poles

Highs, Lows, and Buffalos

Parking the Helicopter

Happiness Habits: Gratitude, Optimism, & Kindness

Catching Kids Doing the Right Thing

The Blessing of the Least Favorite Activity

Raising Optimistic Kids

A Great Resource for Camp Parents

The Power of Camp

Camp: A Much-Needed Break from Cell Phones

Hand Written Letters: A Lost Art?

Ready for Camp?

Camp: One Solution to Parenting Challenges

Food Allergies in Kids

"Kidsickness": Help for First-Time Camp Parents

"Race to Nowhere"

The Movement against "Over-Parenting"

How independent do we want our kids to be?

Great Parents Send their Kids to Camp

Give Teens Time

10. Make an Example of Yourself

“The world always looks brighter from behind a smile.”
~Author Unknown

Smiling is another powerful tool in promoting optimism, so we practice a lot of smiling around GAC!